Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?

Dear Coronavirus...

Wow, I was able to Swype coronavirus without spell check because that's how well known the virus has become, I guess? Nevertheless, it ain't a friend of mine. It does not have a friend in me. And it most certainly won't be my friend until the end. Then again, it's not so scary, not as much as you might think and coming from someone with anxiety, that should mean a lot.

No, I'm looking at this worldwide pandemic as the global spiritual cleansing we all need. I knew something big would have to happen in order for us to get our shit together. I actually thought it was Kobe and Gigi Bryant's deaths that would do it, but that was just the beginning. Maybe even the middle? I honestly don't know where our story begins but I'm choosing my own adventure.

Social distancing is something I do every day. As an early retiree, I often felt guilty for staying home and living my life by my own set of rules, the opposite of what society expects of us. Now it seems we all have a new set of expectations and that's to stay the fuck home. Reminds me of that adult children's book Go to fucking sleep...or whatever it's called. Stay the mother fucking home!

Meanwhile...

Today is my mother's birthday. She's sad I won't be able to physically be with her but I was sad that she didn't immediately consider my health. We both had expectations but maybe that's the whole resonance, the whole meaning of this earthly reset, restart? We have to look inward, inside of ourselves? Stop expecting shit from others, become pleasantly surprised when they do act like a human being. Because being human shouldn't be about selfishness and greed, it's about helping someone who is just like you...human.

I don't know where I'm going with this, it's 5 am and I'm having after period endometriosis pain, so my sleep schedule is off. I try to sleep and stay as high as much possible during these times. Unfortunately, my snacking hasn't slowed down and I'm gaining weight. Because during this quarantine, I'm vain and concerned about my health...I cannot eat unhealthy but now that it's difficult for me to food shop, I don't have much choice.

My immunocompromised body keeps me close to home plus pain plus I felt like I caught a cold so I'm extra tired, and I can't travel far to get fresh food. I'm stuck shopping at CVS and Walgreens and because those pharmacies are more like convenient stores, they don't offer a lot of variety. So I buy snacks. Nothing new. Maybe it's all the calories in the Orange juice I've been drinking. I usually just drink water but I wanted to treat my little cold naturally and vitamin C is just the thing. But now I'm bloated and feel super gross.

And now reading back what I wrote, I feel bad for being so selfish for complaining about anything when I know for sure, ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY and WITHOUT A DOUBT, that there are people with much less than I. I'm lucky to have credit cards and shit and live in NYC because we have a great healthcare system. I'm not worried about getting sick or dying. I'm confident that there is a greater meaning to all of this.

My therapist, psychiatrist and even dear old Momma, all expected me (there goes those pesky expectations again) to be having a ton of anxiety but I just want to make sure everyone is safe. I'm good, I'm chillin, dealing with the same shit I deal with every day. I have my mental and physical illnesses to deal with. That's not something I can take a break from. It's not as draining as being a mom or wife and Shout out to all you chronically ill soldiers who do have families and are doing their best to take care of them and themselves! Proud of you my loves!

I had had so much anxiety about my death for the past few months and then my mom got sick, so I couldn't focus on myself. And now with this fun filled pandemic going on, my death seemingly more likely now than others, I'm not scared. Like, I'm not ready to die, still waiting for my great epic twin flame love. But, no, I'm not afraid. I'm not anxious. I personally don't want to feel anything but if I must, I'm thankful I can still feel love.

My heart is still pretty closed off, and peoples behavior towards me doesn't help. Although, I am working on it. A part of me knows that's what this is all really about, rebirth, love, light and happiness. As an empath, I feel others fears and, actually, ignorance, if you can feel that from others, and I laugh. They're still sleeping. Then again that's mean. I need to stop beating myself up. I'm not an asshole on purpose. Regardless of this, some of y'all is acting a fool. Can we all just be glad its not a zombie apocalypse and just Netflix and chill. We got this. We're going to take care of each other. Just sit the fuck down and stay the fuck home. Me and my compromised immune system thanks you. Xoxo