Dear Diary: But Seriously, What the Fuck?

Dear Disappointment...

Am I disappointed in you or at myself? You came in like a whirlwind and this time I didn't run after you. I'm not into tornado chasing and you just seem like a big ole heap of messiness. Natural disaster, catastrophic messiness. And it's none of my concern. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Yet, in my bluntness, you've grown quiet. You must expect me to do something and while I have for others in the past, ooh baby, this time, I found my way.

I found my worth and I'm a dope ass chick. I mean aside from the chronic illness crap, I'm funny, smart, pretty cute and I'm talented. Writing is a talent and according to the stats on here, I have a little of it so shout out to me and wattpad for inflating my ego. As for you? You surprised me once and it was pleasant and then you annoyed me and then I forgave. But I never forget. And now you've disappeared. You pussy ass bitch, you.

You'll never forget me, they never do. My BPD makes me hypersexual and I can attract men (online because I'm anti-social in real life) like that *snaps fingers*. Oh, I'm not boasting about my ho skills...ok I am but I'm just saying, your loss. And mine. Because I let myself care a little, when I so desperately tried not to. So I'm definitely more disappointed in myself. Regardless of this, I recognize that I didn't lose me. *pats self on the back*

Like Flava Flav said, Don't believe the hype. Homeboy seemed almost too good to be true. I almost fed into it yet from my vast experience of dealing with asshole, narcissistic, gaslighting, misleading, ego centric disappointing pieces of shit, I've learned a thing or two. The main one is to recognize red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩I think that's red, I'm writing in the dark...

But yeah I peeped that shit from jump and I tried to ignore it because good weed and sex are like two of my favorite things. Although, I don't have the patience to sit and listen to your drama. Especially if you're not going to really consider my advice and that is, despite loving someone, if the relationship has become toxic to the point of hating the other person, either let them go or walk away.

In this scenario, I am not the toxic person. I was told I would get a phone call or text or even a drop by. I got neither. That shows disrespect for me 🚩🚩🚩because as a submissive to a Dom, its your job to look out for me and "take care of me" and I lovingly submit and let you do things to me in return.

You started to get comfortable and that probably scared you. It scared me too because you remind me of my abusive ex, not so much the bad parts but the good parts and for my psyche that was confusing. I'm getting a little clear headed now. I won't call. I explained that to you already, I know how to occupy myself if you're not around. But to disappear, I kind of didn't expect that. Then again, maybe in your eyes I'm the one who disappeared. Nah nigga, I just know that I'm worth being chased after. I finally recognize and embrace my inner Goddess and none of you fake ass brahs will ever hurt, lie or break me again.

So I'm just trying to move on from the initial sting. I know it's the right thing and it was even a better idea that I found another Dom awhile back because this tomfoolery happened once before 🚩🚩🚩🚩. I'm good boo boo. I'm ready to be truly worshipped and appreciated and get my freak on with a man who's dying to lick the kitty. You said you never do that. Shame on you 🚩🚩🚩 the least you could do is let me sit on your face and enjoy a mustache ride. Instead, I got sucked into my oral fixation....yeah, you'll regret this and you'll be back. I may have low self esteem some times but I know for a fact my head game is bomb. Nevertheless, that privilege for you has gone. Time to focus on what I truly want and deserve...

(See picture above)