This Summer (DMBB Spin-off)

Chapter 12: Don't Kill Yourself

Trigger warning

"Am I wrong to think the worlds got it in for me
And am I right to say I'm longing for some sympathy."

Song: Good Intentions ~ Dappy

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12. Don't Kill Yourself

I marched back to the ranch by myself, in the night. Khalan and Jess didn't understand.

None of them did.

It sucked, to be constantly fighting a war against yourself. It doesn't matter if you won, because you still lost. That was it. A part of me had to win, and the other had to lose, and I wasn't ready to do that to myself.

If you want to change things Shayley, you can. You absolutely can.

I couldn't.

But the truth is you don't. You don't want to be sober and that's the truth.

What if it was? So fucking what?

I finally got back and stopped when I got to the stairs, sitting on one step and burying my face in my hands as Cameron's voice continued to play in my mind.

The drugs, they're your escape. You've become so used to facing this world wrapped around in your security blanket that you don't want to know how to exist without it.

They're my escape...

I got up and trudged up the stairs, mentally and physically tired from the day's events.

Because then you'd have to face your problems head on, and it's scary, I get it. It's hard looking yourself in the mirror without the euphoria to mask your demons.

The euphoria...

I frantically reached into my pocket and felt the two Xanax pills.

"Shut up," I whispered to the voice in my head.

And it's hard doing that, but that's how you know you want to turn things around, by facing the hardest person you've ever had to face - yourself.

He didn't know me, screw him.

I felt my chest tighten as my breathing became labored. Suddenly I could see every single mistake I had made inside my head. Hot tears ran down my face and I stumbled onto the floor when I reached the door to my room.

I just needed to take the pills, that's all. Then I would feel better right? That's all I needed...

But I couldn't make sense of anything, only the fact that I was probably about to pass out from the anxiety slash panic attack I was having. My vision was blurred with tears and I struggled to breathe.

"Oh my God Shayley!" someone said rushing over to me.

Even through my tears I could see her long ginger hair. Tess wasn't feeling well so she didn't come out to dinner with us.

"I...I'm oka-..." I wheezed.

"No you're not, you're having an anxiety attack," she fussed.

I stretched my arm out so she wouldn't come any closer. I dragged myself and leaned against the door before bringing my knees up to my chin and wrapping my arms around my legs. I could feel my body trembling from head to toe.

This wasn't how my life was supposed to turn out.

"Shayley," Tess said softly, squatting down a few feet away from me. "Breathe, okay? I know what it feels like, and I'm here to help you. You'll get through this."