Before I Go

Chapter 5- 2. Befriend Someone New

2. Befriend someone new.

It's been a long time since I've had any actual friends... not since elementary school, probably. You know, when friendships are based on who has that special blue crayon everyone loves, who brings the best snack to school, or who likes the same cartoons as you do. When friendship is easy. It's much more challenging to maintain friendships when you're older. When you're constantly being dragged down by your own thoughts... It can make people not want to be around you.

And that sucks because it's likely when you need those friends the most.

It hurts. Losing friends over something that I can't control. But I guess it's for the best, really. If they can't accept all parts of me, then they were never really my friends, to begin with. Number two on my list is befriending someone new, preferably a real, lasting friendship with someone who can accept me as I am. I'm terrified of putting myself out there, of trying to make friends. This is definitely a change that I'm not prepared for. But at least I know just the person to befriend: Ashton Ripley.

I see Ashton in the hallway again after my third-period English class, the perfect time to try to become friends. With a deep breath and a mental pep talk, I start walking in her direction. I do my best to bite down my nerves, allowing determination to wash over me. I struggle to push aside the negative thoughts that are dogpiled in the back of my crowded and overworking mind, forcing my feet to continue forward.

But what if she doesn't like me? Maybe she thinks I'm a freak? What if she was just making fun of me this morning?

What if she-

My thoughts are cut off by a familiar, cheerful voice. "Hey, Morgan," Ashton says. "Whatcha doin'?"

"H-hey A-Ashton," I reply, pointedly choosing to ignore my nervous stutter. "I just wanted to know if you wanted to have lunch together...?"

Great, I feel stupid again. This was a dumb idea.

Ashton smiles at me. Her beautiful, perfect smile lights up her entire face. "I'd like that," she says. I swear that I can feel my heart flutter at the words. It's weird and slightly overwhelming. And entirely not what I was expecting at all.

What?

"What?" I ask dumbly, far too shocked by her response to even be embarrassed by my own stupidity at the moment.

She laughs at my awkwardness and repeats herself. "I said, 'I'd like that.'"

It worked. It really worked.

Ashton and I walk to the cafeteria together. And it feels... good. It feels normal. More normal than I've felt in a long time. It's a strange feeling, yet at the same time, it fills my chest with the warm and fuzzies.

I think I might like having a friend. Yes, I think I might like being friends with Ashton a lot.

Having lunch with Ashton is... interesting. It's definitely different from what I usually do: sitting by myself and not talking to anyone. It's... dare I say, fun? Ashton is fun. I'm enjoying lunch with her so much, in fact, that I refuse to overthink things. At least for now. I'll do it later when she's not around; I don't want her to think I'm weird.

"So, what made you decide to change up your look?" Ashton asks, shoving a straw into her milk carton at the same time that she frustratedly pushes her hair from her forehead.

"Um... well, I guess it was just time for a change," I answer with a shrug. My voice is quiet, but I can't help but feel slightly proud of myself for willingly engaging in conversation.

"Nice. I mean, there was nothing wrong with your old look; you just... you just seemed to want to be left alone. But, I figured since you decided to change it up, maybe you wouldn't be opposed to making a friend," says Ash. The kindness in her eyes sets off a strange feeling in my chest.

"So... you're saying we're friends...?" I ask, feeling stupid once more. Apparently, I'm making a habit of that lately.

She laughs and replies, "Of course, we are, Morgan."

She said we're friends. Ashton and I are officially friends. I feel like such an idiot... what do friends even do...?

"I can see the wheels turning in that pretty little head of yours," Ashton says, her eyes returning to the mediocre lunch before her at the exact moment that I feel my cheeks heating up. It's almost like she knows I'm embarrassed and is choosing not to look at my flushed face because she doesn't want to make it worse. I like that. "Stop overthinking, Morgan. It's cool; we're cool. Just go with the flow, and you'll be good," she assures me.

I nod my head and repeat, "Go with the flow..."

Ashton smiles at me again. "You'll get the hang of it, I promise."

Does she know? She knows, doesn't she? She knows that she's my only friend. She knows that I have no clue what the hell I'm doing... Oh, she must think I'm so awkward!

I'm so embarrassed!

"Morgan?" Ashton's voice asks, snapping me out of my thoughts. It's entirely foreign to me, to have someone so in-tune with my feelings.

"Oh, sorry..." I mumble, cheeks reddening.

"Don't be sorry, it's all good. I just asked if you wanna hang out this weekend. It could be fun," Ash says.

"Yeah, I'd like that," I reply, trying my best to maintain my calm while I'm literally freaking out inside. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Perhaps I'm not ready to have a friend yet. I should... I should just get out of here before I make things worse.

"Great!" she says excitedly. "Give me your phone number, and I'll text you."

I recite my phone number as she types it into her phone. A couple of seconds later, my phone vibrates, notifying me of a new text message. I feel entirely overwhelmed by this whole friend thing. Like things are moving too fast. It's just too much, too soon.

"Now you have my number, too," Ashton's smiling face says.

I can only hope this will turn out to be a good thing.