Before I Go

Chapter 38- Exactly The Way You Are

The car ride is unusually quiet, especially considering that Ashton is present. No one comments on the awkwardness that fills the small vehicle, though. I ruminate in the silence, trying to give myself a mental pep talk, even though I know it likely won't do any good. I briefly wonder if my friends feel as discontented with the lack of conversation and the unsettled atmosphere as I do, but the thought leaves me quickly; my mind is too busy to focus on anything else for too long.

Ashton and Parker take me to an arcade--which, normally, I might actually enjoy. But today... Today I don't know if I can bring myself to enjoy anything. I feel bad, like I'm letting them down when they're trying to help me. Gosh, they're literally just trying to spend time with me and show me that life isn't always bad things...

But my brain keeps telling me otherwise. It's sabotaging any small happiness that even dares to blossom in my chest today, like I'm not allowed to find any enjoyment in the things going on around me or something.

Today is certainly not a good day.

Guilt grows rapidly in my belly, forcing its way upward and burning my throat; I don't want to be a complete downer today after everything these two amazing people have done for me. And yet, it doesn't stop me from obsessively worrying about everything else that's bombarding my mind today. After a few hours of trying to have fun at the arcade and failing miserably, Parker and Ash decide it's lunchtime.

My stomach rolls at the mere idea of putting any food into it. I couldn't possibly eat right now; there's a high possibility that I'd literally vomit if I tried. After the countless hours I had already spent over the last few days worrying about my appearance, I... I don't think I could manage to get even a couple of bites down. I already look disgusting; food will just make it worse. I'll gain weight, and my stomach will just get fatter. I just can't...

"Morgs?" Ash asks, drawing my attention to her. I can tell by the look on her face that she's having a difficult time containing her concern for me. "You've been kinda far away today," she says, her eyes roaming over my face as if she's searching for something. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Silence takes over me for a moment or two, the complete inability to form a sentence escaping me entirely. Do I want to tell her and Parker what's bothering me? Spill my guts, pour out my heart, and let them know exactly what I've been thinking about all day while they were trying to have a nice time? Absolutely not; I won't willingly ruin this day for them. Can I admit that out loud? Could I say it directly to their faces as they look at me so expectantly and with so much care and worry that it literally makes my heart hurt? Also no. So, instead, I shake my head and say, "Not really." My voice comes out quieter than I'd intended, and there's a stab of pain in my stomach at my failure to allow my friends to help me through the hard time I'm having. But it's probably for the best if I just keep this to myself. Besides, the words are already out there; it's too late to take them back now.

Parker takes my hand in his and gives me a reassuring smile. "We're here for you if you change your mind," he says softly. "Any time you wanna talk, we're ready to listen, Morgan."

Ugh, I don't even deserve these people...

A lump suddenly forms in my throat, and I'm wracked with remorse for neglecting our friendship today; this is probably one of the many reasons why I've never had friends before. I simply don't know how to open up to people. I try my best to swallow down the emotions lodged in my throat, but the obstruction won't budge. Letting out a quiet sigh, I mumble around the lump that's practically choking me, "Um... today's just... one of those days, I guess. I'm trying really hard to have fun, guys. I don't want to ruin things for you two, but..."

Ashton interrupts me quickly, her hands flying upward to stop me from continuing my sentence. I'm startled by the sudden movement, but I don't say anything more. "You're not ruining anything, Morgan," she assures, her tone filled with sincerity that actually helps to slightly alleviate the overwhelming pressure in my chest. "If I'm honest, we could tell that you weren't really enjoying yourself; it was kinda obvious. Even when you're feeling down, we still like to spend time with you. It's okay, Morgs; we're not mad at you."

"Really?" I ask doubtfully.

"Really," Ash and Parker both say at the same time, making me smile. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I really don't deserve these two.

With our hands still entwined, Parker gently pulls me closer to him until our arms are pressed up against each other, a thrill rushing through me at the close proximity. I can't stop the blush from overtaking my cheeks, and I don't even bother trying to hide it; he wholly deserves to see the way he affects me with just the simplest things. "You know that we like you exactly the way you are, right?" he asks, his lips turned up at the corners. "Bad days and all, Morgan. There's nothing that could stop us from wanting to be around you."

Oh, my heart. I think that it suddenly forgot how to beat.

"Thanks, guys," I reply, unable to contain my emotions any longer. My eyes well with tears, and I can't really tell if they're happy ones due to the perfect friendships I've somehow managed to obtain or if they're remorseful ones for the way I've acted all day long while in their presence. Either way, I am so incredibly thankful to have them in my life.

I really am one lucky girl.