Before I Go

Chapter 44- Don't Scare Me Like That

I open my eyes to see a blindingly bright white ceiling and even brighter lights; the intensity of the whiteness of the room makes me have to squint my eyes and makes my head throb. In my confused state and with my still-adjusting vision, I don't immediately recognize my surroundings. I can hear a steady beeping sound, and there's a strange smell lingering in the air that almost smells like... Actually, it smells like a hospital.

I suppose that would make sense.

I try to sit up in the bed and take a look around, but it hurts too much. There's a sudden, sharp pain in my left arm as I put pressure on it, attempting to use it to push myself into an upright position. My eyes immediately dart to my arm as I begin to worry; I don't remember injuring that particular appendage, just my legs. I'm actually slightly relieved to see that it's the needle for my IV fluids causing the pain and not a wound. There's a dull throbbing in both of my thighs and a burning sensation that shoots down both of my legs... I was wondering when those things would make themselves known. Since I'm unable to change my position with my current level of pain, I flop back on the pillow with an annoyed sigh, letting my eyes fall closed once again.

"I see you're awake," my father's voice says, instantly snapping my attention to the other side of the room. My eyes rake over his exhausted form, and I can't help but feel immensely guilty because of his appearance; I'm sure this disheveled and obviously sleepless state he's in is entirely my fault. "What were you thinking, Morgan?" my dad asks, his voice filled with emotions that I can't identify, mostly because I can't bring myself to want to right now. I'm already wracked with guilt for what I've done.

"I'm sorry," I begin quietly, choking back the tears that are threatening to spill over. "I don't really know what to tell you that will help you understand what I was thinking..."

"Morgan!" my mom practically screeches before her arms are wrapped too tightly around me. As much as it hurts, I can't bring myself to tell her; after what I did, I just can't do anything more to upset her. "Oh, honey! How are you feeling?" she says, smoothing my hair from my face after finally releasing me from her excessive grip.

"Like a complete idiot," I mumble under my breath, but I'm sure she heard it anyway. Mom gently strokes my hair, offering me a bit of comfort as she stares worriedly at me. I appreciate it more than she could ever know.

"It's a good thing that Parker showed up when he did," Mom says quietly, obviously fighting back her own tears. "That boy saved your life, Morgan."

"Parker?" I ask, trying to peek around my hovering mother to get a glimpse at the rest of the room. "Is he here?"

Mom nods and answers, "He's in the waiting room, honey. He refused to leave until you woke up; that boy really cares about you, you know. Do you want me to go get him for you?"

My heart beats wildly in my chest. Do I want to see Parker right now? After... everything? After he saw me like that? Who am I kidding; of course, I want to see him. But does he want to see me? Is that why he waited for me to wake up? Or did he simply feel obligated to stay after literally saving my life?

"Morgan?" my mom asks, her face scrunching slightly in her effort not to cry anymore.

After taking a deep breath that painfully rattles through my entire body, I quietly reply, "Y-yeah, I'd like to see him, please."

My mom disappears from my side, leaving me alone in the room; I have no idea where my dad went off to. It's only a few minutes before Parker joins me, pulling up a chair right beside the bed so he can hold my hand. We sit quietly for several minutes, Parker gently stroking his thumb over the back of my hand. I don't have any idea what I'm supposed to do in a situation like this... What am I supposed to say?

Mind-reading powers would definitely be helpful right now; this would be a lot less awkward if I knew what Parker was thinking.

With my thoughts racing, I barely even hear Parker's shaky voice when he finally breaks the silence, "Sunshine, please don't scare me like that again," he says, barely above a whisper. My eyes immediately scan his face, and the unshed tears welling in his eyes crack my heart into a million jagged pieces.

I did that to him.

First my dad, then my mom, and now Parker... I caused all of this pain they're experiencing right now. I'm the source of their current suffering. And for what? How exactly did I benefit from hurting them like this?

My heart breaks a little bit more for each of them, but my thoughts primarily remain on the boy sitting beside me. The boy who not only literally saved my life, but he did everything he could to understand me, to accept me, to make me feel worthy. The boy who apparently cares about me a great deal.

"I'm sorry," I murmur, unable to stop the crack in my voice or stop my tears from seeping out. "I'm so sorry, Parker. I didn't... I..."

Parker stands from his chair and leans over the bed, placing a soft kiss on my forehead before gently pressing his forehead against mine. I can't do anything but stare at him as he holds himself there, his eyes closing as a few more stray tears travel down his already dampened cheeks. "I need you, Morgan," he whispers, his words almost stopping my heart entirely. "Please, don't ever leave me."

Words fail me completely; however, they're probably not really necessary in this precise moment. I allow my own eyes to flutter shut, tightening my grip on Parker's hand in a show of what I hope is reassurance.

What the heck was I thinking?