Before I Go

Chapter 37- I Can't

"Morgan, your friends are here!" my mother shouts up the stairs, catching me completely off guard. I had not been expecting company, and now both Ashton and Parker are here? I mean, it couldn't possibly be anyone else; I don't have any other friends. It's not an entirely terrible surprise, but an unexpected one, nonetheless.

I scurry around my room as quickly as possible, attempting to clean up the mess I'd left in both my bedroom and bathroom while simultaneously trying to throw on some clean clothes before rushing down the stairs to see my visitors. "Hey, guys," I say, putting on a fake smile and hoping it is sufficient to fool them into believing that everything is okay at the moment.

I'm temporarily wracked with guilt and fear as my mind wonders whether Ashton and Parker will be able to see right through my mask. They've always been ridiculously good at figuring out when something is wrong with me; I hope they can't tell that I'm pretending today. I don't think I have the mental strength to work through my feelings today.

Stop being weird before they notice, Morgan.

My friends return the smile without asking me how I'm doing or if I'm okay--is that a sign that they haven't noticed anything suspicious? If it is, I'm not sure whether it's a good or bad one. Either way, I'm instantly swept with relief; at least they're not going to make me talk about whatever is bothering me. My consolation is only momentary, though, as doubt niggles its way into my head; Ash and Parker can totally tell that I'm trying to trick them, can't they? Why do I have to be so easy for them to read all the time? Can't I ever just keep something to myself?

Crap, Morgan. Just pull yourself together.

"What are you two doing here?" I ask, pulling myself from my thoughts when I notice that neither of them has said anything since I first greeted them. This obviously isn't going well for me; I kind of wish they'd given me a heads up that they were coming or something. Then I would have had at least a little time to attempt to prepare for the overwhelming awkwardness I'm now subjected to.

Still smiling, Ash finally answers, "We're going out. Go get ready."

If my confusion isn't wholly apparent at this point, then there's obviously something wrong with these people, as I'm sure it's displayed clearly across my face. "Out? Where are we going?" I question, my hand massaging my furrowed brows as I try my best not to freak out.

"Just get ready, and you'll find out," insists Ashton, ushering me back up to my room with Parker following closely behind us.

This complicated interaction makes my head spin, as I'm infinitely unable to decipher my friends' suspicious behaviors. Something incredibly strange is going on here, and I'm not sure I like it. However, I don't protest; I don't really want to upset either Parker or Ashton with my inability to cope with whatever is happening right now.

Once in my bedroom, Ashton quickly grabs some decent clothes from my closet and hands them to me, motioning for me to go to the bathroom and change.

My heart suddenly drops into my stomach. I cleaned up everything in there, right? Was I thorough enough? Did I manage to hide all the evidence of my... failure to ask for help? Crap. What if I missed something while I was rushing, and one of them accidentally sees it when I open the door? I can't... I don't want to have to deal with any of this right now.

"Earth to Morgs," Ash says, waving her hand in front of my face. "Hurry up and get dressed; we've got some stuff planned."

With a slow nod, I cautiously make my way to the bathroom, hoping to calm any suspicions my friends might have about my current mental state. This day really isn't going well for me, if I'm honest. Once I'm closed inside the small room, I hurry to change my clothes. Or, I try to, but...

I can't.

I catch sight of myself in the mirror, and I... just can't. I'm thoroughly disgusted with what is looking back at me. My hair is too limp, my complexion slightly splotchy, and my face too plain. My boobs are too small, and my stomach is too chubby. My legs are mutilated. And short, my legs are too short. My arms are wimpy... I could go on. I'm just... not good to look at. At all. God, why can't I be pretty? Why can't I have one of those perfect, flawless bodies? Why can't I look like... Well, literally anyone else?

"Are you okay in there, Sunshine?" Parker's voice asks through the bathroom door, alerting me to the fact that my friends are still waiting on me. I'm suddenly aware of the lengthy time I've spent wishing I didn't look like me, and I sniffle back a sob.

Clearing my throat, I reply, "Y-yeah," even though I know that the shakiness in my voice will give me away. There's no way that Ash and Parker will be able to overlook my distress now. "I just need a minute, I think," I add, hoping I'll be able to get through this quickly; I feel bad for making them wait for me.

"Take your time," Parker's sweet voice reassures me through the wooden barrier between us. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?"

I simply hum in response, knowing that words won't be my friends right now. Closing my eyes, I lean against the wall... in my place. I take a few moments to collect myself, stuffing down all of my crazy emotions to the best of my ability, before turning away from the mirror entirely and putting on the clothes Ash picked out for me.

I can do this; everything will be okay. Right?

I take a deep breath, smoothing my hands over the fabric covering my body before finally opening the door to face my friends. Suddenly, another wave of emotion hits me, knocking the breath from my lungs.

I can't do this.

I can't.