Shut Up Kristyn! | Misc

18 | things overheard in college

My first year of college (prior to it being interrupted by Covid) involved me actually living on campus in a dorm, and let me tell you, I heard some interesting things while being on campus all the time. I wrote them all down in a list throughout the year, so here you go, the weird shit I heard from August 2019 to March 2020:

—"we're honorary members of the black eyed peas"

—"my summer jam is probably big time rush"

—[answers phone] "sup dickhead"

—[walks into dorm] "SUP PUSSY"

—"when i go to class sick just to get an A, i hope my professor knows that he started the black plague."

—"and then i had massive diarrhea—"

—"our brains are wired to forget shit."

—"who the fuck cares, bro?" "our RA will care!"

—[starts drizzling a little bit] "bro it's the fuckin hurricane—" [starts sprinting away] (I LIVE IN THE MIDWEST.)

—"aw man, i wanted to print out the meme i made in class today!"

—"do you ever think about the length of giraffes' necks?" "occasionally"

—"you think i have logic? with the kind of men that i date? no."

—"belch loudly to assert dominance"

—"wanna go on an adventure?" "sure, where?" "i parked in a temporary spot and i gotta move my car, but i drive a really sweet car, sooo..."

—"he made me smoke weed when i was 12"

—"you could have put sexy, daddy, but you put 'sweet man'" "well, now there's nothing, so how does it feel?"

—"i'm HILARIOUS to the gay people"

—"when i used to work at mcdonald's, i would stuff burgers in my pants"

—"my friend's grandma got stabbed"

—[eating in the dining hall] "this is almost as bad as the bland flavor of my depression."

—"she has a baby. like, a child. one hundred percent KID."

—"it is THE most underrated meme i've ever seen."

—[in an overly dramatic british accent] "GET THE FOOK BACK HERE YA FOOKIN QUAT"

—[in a very serious tone] "okay guys, if we were all shakespeare plays, i would be hamlet" "what does that even mean?"

—"do you hear yourself when you speak? like, do you?"

—"are you ready for the speaking test tomorrow in esp-an-YOL?"

—"i felt a little sick but that's probably because i haven't slept in years"

—"you know how some people know SOMETHING? yeah, he doesn't know anything."

—"hey, can you guys tell i dyed my eyebrows?"

—"i don't understand half of the words that come out of his mouth."

—"i can't do it because i'm going to be depressed on monday"

—"um, we're kind of in a traumatic situation right now, so i'm gonna have to say no."

—"...and i always hit the club."

—"things were going okay and then depression set in."

—"i don't want you to end, i just want you to fUCKING WORK— oops sorry for the language."

—"then odysseus got on a ship" "he came back though" "yeah, after 10 years!" "well, when you disrupt the gods...."