Y/N and the Avengers

Codes

"Are you ready?", Bucky asked and you took a deep breath.
"No... not at all... you know I don't want that. I'm doing it just because you seem to be so sure about it."
"I know... Thanks for your trust. Alright", he said and you took another deep breath, closing your eyes. "Einsam, Untergang. Are you okay so far?", Bucky asked, being safe in the room behind the mirror.
"Yeah...", you said with a strange feeling inside.
"Verfolgung, Acht", Bucky continued.
You fought against the rising anger and urge to kill or hurt someone and rested your face in your hands. Bucky waited for you to get better again because he knew if he would continue, you would be lost in the program again.
It was difficult for you to not give in, everything in your body wanted the other words to follow so what was building up inside you, could finally take over.
"Keep going", it slipped through your mouth and the soldier side blocked you from talking. You wanted to tell Bucky that you didn't mean to say it, but it didn't work. It felt like your lips were glued together and your voice got stolen. You stroke your fingers through your hair and were breathing heavily. The tension in your body was so bad that you jumped out of your bed and paced around, trying not to lose further control.

After a minute or two you extended your arms and leaned against the wall so that just your hands were touching it while you faced it. Letting your head drop between your arms you tried to push against the wall to get rid of some energy without letting Bucky know about it.
"Do you need help?", Bucky asked but you didn't respond. When the soldier in you could block your communication then you could do the same to that virus in your head.

"I'm okay", you said quietly after a while.
"Try to think of something else and don't just fight. Try to make the voice go away on its own by not giving it attention, okay?", Bucky suggested.
You tried to think about anything but everything you had in mind just helped the soldier to grow.
"I can't!", you yelled and punched the wall.
And again.
And again.
Until your knuckles were bloody and blue. Bucky had tried to step in verbally but you didn't listen. The anger, frustration and tension were just too much.
Suddenly you got grabbed and tried to get out of his grip but it didn't work so you almost fell while getting turned around and pulled into a hug. Struggling to get away, he just held you tighter until you gave up and let yourself sink even more into his arms. "It's okay", he whispered, "I know it's hard."

When you felt better again, Banner checked your hands and said you would be good to go since there was nothing serious to see, just the bruises and wounds that were looking worse than they were.
"Whoa, y/n, who did you put in a grave!?", Tony said loudly when he saw you sitting in Banner's lab, pointing at your hands.
"You should see him", you said with a fake smile.
"Did you really-", Tony started to say but you interrupted him right away.
"No. Please don't ask this ever again... I wouldn't tell you anyway."
"Hm. Yeah, might be true. Good, that you didn't kill him then", he said and walked away again.
With a sigh you let yourself fall against the back of the chair.
"What's wrong?", Felix asked, standing at the door.
"I don't know if you really want to know that."
He walked over to the next chair and sat down. You wondered what would have happened if the chair had been right next to you, if he would have sat down nevertheless, or if he would have taken another one.
"I'm your best friend, you can tell me everything", he said softly.
You took a deep breath and cleared your throat. "I... Well, I am basically just too much, you know?"
"I heard that a lot already, but you're not. Or do you think I would be with you otherwise right now?"
"But I don't get myself together. I am always the one to worry about, I'm annoying."
He walked over and kneeled in front of you, putting his hands around your face. "And we just worry about you because we care and love you. If it would be too much for us, we would leave", he whispered, looking you deep in the eyes. Tears built up and rolled down your cheeks. "You can do this, we are with you", he said and pulled you into a hug.




"Einsam, Untergang, Verfolgung", Bucky said through the speaker and waited. You paced around and were scared, you didn't want to lose control again and you definitely didn't want to hurt anyone.
"Hey, y/n, you with us?", he checked in but you didn't hear him, you were too focused on what might happen. "Y/n!"
"Mh?"
"We started already, you good?"
"I am scared", you said and stopped, looking at your reflection. You looked skinny and had bags under your eyes.
"Should we stop?"
"Where are the words of encouragement?", you asked smiling tiredly.
"You never say you are scared right away which means it's serious. We can just try another day."
"No. Let's do it", you said, though not very firm.
"Are you sure?"
"Bucky, continue."
"Einsam, Untergang, Verfolgung, Acht", he waited but you were still standing there, looking at your reflection, seemingly lost in mind. But because you didn't show any other signs he kept going: "Empathie, frei, Zehn."
You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, feeling frozen and lost. You didn't know what was happening to you, you almost felt nothing. Was that a good or a bad sign? Your thoughts had stopped, leaving an empty place in your mind that you wanted to be filled. There was no urge to kill or hurt anyone. No voice that would tell you what to do or how bad you were for not following Hydra. Nothing. Just feeling cold and broken inside.
"Are you okay? Should I continue?", Bucky asked and you nodded slowly. But it felt like someone else had done it for you and it felt wrong. "Gewollt, Fall, Winter."