The Blood And The Lovers

Part 11: Night terrors

(TW: Mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts)

In another universe... it would've been different. He would've been okay. We all would've been okay... In another universe

We are forced to go home, leaving Avery and Thomas in the hospital for the night. Everyone splits up and goes home in Ubers. I get home and my father is still away on his work trip, he'll be home by tomorrow night. I was so exhausted I went right up to my room. I set my bag down, too my jewelry off, and went into the bathroom for a shower. 

I play music off of my speaker while I shower, letting everything from the night settle in on me. I can't get the thoughts out f my head. The thoughts telling me to end myself, thoughts telling me it was all my fault. I try my hardest to shake them off. I get changed into sweat pants and a black bra before walking back into my room. 

I turn on my LED lights, shut off the overhead light, and flop onto my bed. I was so exhausted my legs felt like they were going to give out if I tried to stand again. I simply crawled into bed and curled into a ball under the covers. I fell asleep instantly. 

~In the dream~

I stood in front of Oliver, hugging him with a sheepish smile "He put a broken glass to my throat but I took it from him and slashed his throat before he ran off" I say to Oliver. That's when I feel the sinking feeling in my stomach again. I felt the gun being pressed to the back of my head again... I was reliving the night again...

This time, I don't tackle Collin to the ground. I wanted to know what would happen if I didn't and to be honest... Oliver was right. The gun goes off and it shoots right through Thomas's head. I didn't know it was fake, I didn't know this was a dream, I break down and wake up screaming. 

I go silent, looking around my empty room after waking up. My vision was blurry so I rubbed my eyes. I see my room just how I left it before I fell asleep. I start crying again, curled into a ball on my bed. My eyes start to strain, getting redder and redder. 

"KILL YOURSELF"  My mind yells "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE"  I stand up, ignoring the pain in my legs. I stumble downstairs in search for a kitchen knife, one good for cutting meat. "HE WOULD BE LAUGHING AND WALKING AROUND IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU" Screeches my mind, thoughts going wild. I wasn't myself in the moment. The thoughts were taking over...

Before I knew it, I had a knife to my wrists and started slitting. I had no mercy for myself, there was so many I lost count after awhile. About half an hour goes by and I set down my knife, seeing my arms covered in blood and cuts. It drips onto the sink and counter, staining my pants. I ignore it. 

I start wrapping up my arms, cleaning them too. It stung so bad. I felt my eyes sting too as tears welled up again. I wrap up my arms and pick up my phone. I send a photo with no context to the friend group chat with Thomas, Addison, Oliver, and Vic. It was a photo of me and Thomas in the sixth grade. We were standing in the courtyard and laughing happily, doing silly poses. 

"I miss 6th grade..." I text before shutting off my phone. I don't reply to any of the texts after that even though my phone started blowing up from the group chat talking about how fun 6th grade was for all of us. I rinse the sink so my dad won't see then walk upstairs and to my room. I stay up this time, just scroll on my phone while looking at photos I had saved from my past with the friend group. The memories hurt. Why was the world so hard? Why did people have to get hurt?

~Next morning~

The next morning, after I get to the Dollar store with Vic, we walk into the store and into the drink aisle. I am wearing a baggy hoodie and some cute ripped jeans, fishnet tights under it. I see my favorite drink has been moved to the top shelf and sigh, being the short ass I am. Vic snickers, crossing his arms and just watching me struggle. 

I reach up and my sleeve slides down, revealing the bandages to Vic. I don't notice yet and just grab the drink. I look at him with a small proud smile but as soon as I see his worried look my smile fades. Realization hits me and I sigh. "Don't say anything to Oliver.... please" I look down at the ground "I won't be able to look him in the eyes after that" I start to get quiet and Vic pulls me into a tight hug. He buries his head into my shoulder 

"Why..?" He asks softly "Why would you do this to yourself?" I could hear the fear in his voice as it trembled "Not here, Vic. I'll talk later" I say, voice going cold. We get to check out and pay for our items before walking out. The whole walk to school was silent until we got to the rest of the group in the court yard.

Time seems to fly because as soon as I walked over to the friend group with Vic the bell rung for first period. Damn, I knew we took a little longer but already? I walk to first period with Oliver while holding his hand. I felt a small sense of warmth from him and it was comforting in this time of grief. I stay silent with my head down. "Tired?" He chuckles. I force a small smile and nod "Mhm, last night was long for all of us. Wanna go check on Thomas with me during lunch?" 

"I'd love that." He replies...