Don't Wake Me Up - Shawn Mendes

PART TWENTY THREE

 Shawn gets up to go shower, and I get up to try and pick up all the buttons from my blouse. That's when I notice my ass print on the window.

"Shawn?" I yell out so he hears me from the other room.

"Yeah babe?"

"Did you really prop me up against the goddam window? For everyone to see?

"Uhm... I guess I did!" he replies, a bit of laughter in his voice.

I'm starting to think it was more on-purpose-it-turns-me-on than it was heat-of-the-moment-I-don't-really-know-what-I'm-doing.

"I just hope your windows are tinted, that's all. Otherwise your neighbours got quite a show!"

"Don't worry about it, babe!" he says in a laugh, and I hear the shower start.

Shawn gets out of the shower before I can join him, and I think it's for the best. It's getting quite late, and I do have work tomorrow. I shower and get into a t-shirt of Shawn's. We get into bed and fall asleep almost immediately, the warmth of his skin against my back, and his slow breathing like a lullaby.

I wake up early the next morning so I have time to head back home and get ready for work — I definitely can't wear the outfit from the night before — so I silently gather my things, put on a hoodie I borrow from Shawn, kiss his forehead gently not to wake him, and head out.

The driver drops me off a few minutes later. I'm not usually out at this time, so it's fun to see the city so quiet and peaceful. I make my way up to my apartment, and that's when I get a message from Xav.

"Omg Alice, have you seen this?"

Attached is a link to an article titled 'Shawn Mendes and Mystery Girl'. My heart sinks as I click on it. Then, there's an article I barely read about Shawn out in Toronto with a special lady, seen kissing and getting in a car together. I scroll and see all these pictures of me and Shawn from last night, the heated kiss on the wall of the restaurant, and then stepping into the Uber. As I keep looking at those photos, inspecting them, staring at every little detail, I feel my heart start pounding in my chest and soon after I can barely breathe. My breaths are short and ragged, I feel like I'm gonna pass out and my hands shake so much I drop my phone.

I try to compose myself, but I can't do anything. I pick up my phone after a few tries and click on Xav's photo and then on the phone symbol to call him.

"Hey Alice, how crazy!"

"Xav- I can't- I don't know what's happening," I stutter into the phone. "I can't breathe." My stutter is now interrupted by sobs.

"Oh my, Alice, I think you're having a panic attack. You need to breathe!" he says, urgency in his voice. "You need to stay calm, Alice," he says as he also calms his tone. "Can you hear me? Are you there?"

"Yes," I reply shakily.

"Okay, listen to my voice. You're doing okay. You're not in danger. Close your eyes. And breathe in as I count to 5. Now I want you to slowly breathe out. I'm gonna count to 8 this time."

I follow Xavier's instructions, and after a few minutes, my sobs have stopped and I don't feel dizzy anymore.

"Thanks Xav, oh my. Oh no! I'm gonna be late for work!"

"Girl, you can't be serious! Call in sick, you just had a panic attack! You must be exhausted. I think your manager will understand!"

"Oh so it's supposed to be this tiring? Yeah I need to sit down, I feel like I just ran 10k. Let me send her a text."

I text my manager to say I might come in late today, because I just had an anxiety attack, and she tells me to take as much time as I need, take the day off if I need to, it's important I take care of myself. I thank her and get back to my conversation with Xav.

"Yeah, she told me to take as much time as I need."

"Of course babe! But hey, what happened? What triggered it?" Xavier asks me.

"The article you sent me. I clicked on it. And seeing myself in those pictures... I don't know, it brought back feelings I haven't felt in a long time," I tell him.

"Oh no, I'm sorry, I never would've sent it if I had known!" Xav apologizes.

"No worries, it's not your fault. I'm still uneasy though. I don't know what to do."

"Well, maybe you should tell Shawn? He does have more experience with pap photos than any of us."

"Yeah, but it's not- You know what, you're right. Thanks for being there for me, Xav."

"Anytime Alice! I hope this doesn't happen again anytime soon, but you can always call me."

"Thanks. Okay, now get ready for work! Bye."

"Bye, text me today so I know you're okay."

"Promise."

And we hang up. I go to Shawn's contact — now correctly spelled — and call him.

"Hey babe, how are you?" he asks, as if he's trying to hide something.

"Hi. Not too good. I'm assuming you saw, too? I just had a panic attack," I reply.

"A panic- Oh no, darling are you okay? Do you need me to come over?"

"Uhm, I should go to work. I texted my boss I'd be late. I don't know, I feel so weird, it's like I'm back in high school," I start to explain.

"Wait, babe, can't you take the day off? You just had an anxiety attack. Don't move okay? I'll be there in a few. I just have to call Andrew again. And then we can talk about it."

I don't even reply, I just hang up. I text my boss again to tell her that I think I'll take her advice — and everyone else's — and stay home today. I take off my pants but stay in Shawn's hoodie as his smell comforts me. I'm tempted to go back and look at the article again, but I realize I shouldn't. At least not until Shawn gets here. Then, there's a light knock on the door and I hear the key turn. Next thing I know, Shawn sits by me and holds me.

"Hey darling, here, you're okay. What happened? Do you wanna talk about it?"

Feeling suddenly better in his arms, I tell him that I'd rather stay like this a little longer. He presses me against him and rests his head on mine. I feel like I have the world's nicest smelling weighted blanket all around me, and I close my eyes a bit. His breathing calms me down and I feel him shift his weight to rest his back on the wall, leaning me against his chest. He strokes my hair, and I doze off.