Don't Wake Me Up - Shawn Mendes

PART THIRTY EIGHT

 Shawn is doing a bit of last minute packing for his flight out tomorrow, and I'm just holding on tightly to the flash drive, feeling a bit bad that I can't wait to hear the song on it, because it will mean Shawn is gone. I decide to drop the thumb drive in my bag, and I fish out my notebook. I've always been better at writing my feelings, and seeing as he literally just put his into a song for me, I decide to write him a note he can read on the plane.

Hi Shawn,

If you're reading this, we probably said goodbye a few hours ago. I just thought you should know that I love you so very much. I will miss you every day, and odds are, I probably already do. I don't usually miss people. But you've become such an important part of my life lately that I cannot see myself without you. I thought I could at one point, but that didn't take.

Speaking of which, I wanted to thank you for being so understanding with me. I know it's not always easy dealing with someone else's anxiety. You were — and remain — extraordinary, and I need you to remember that everyday.

I know our time apart will be difficult. I have literally imagined everything that could go wrong. But now, you're the little voice in my head that quiets down the bad ones. I am grateful everyday for the chance you took on me. I know now that I'm special to you, but there are so many other girls who share the same qualities as me. And yet you found me. You chose me. Not a day goes by that I'm not surprised by it, and also extremely thankful. I think I know we can do this.

A million kisses, all my love, and don't forget:

You're mine, too.

Alice

I fold it up into an envelope like I used to do in middle school — wow, I can't believe I remember how to do that! — and walk over to his carry on to slip it inside. That's where I see a bottle of pills. I haven't seen Shawn take any medication before. He's never mentioned anything to me. I don't know if I should pry, let it go, ask him...

"Alice?"

I jump. I look at Shawn. My letter in one hand, his pill bottle in the other. Fuck.

"What are you doing?" he asks, trying to analyze the situation.

"I was just gonna slip this note in your bag for you to find it on the plane. And I found those. I'm sorry babe, I didn't mean to snoop. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah!" he shrugs it off.

I wait a bit for him to continue, but he doesn't say a word. I guess I've decided to pry because I can already hear myself say:

"What are they? I'm guessing they're yours?"

"Uhm, yeah, they're mine... Look, I don't want you to worry. It's just- It's nothing, okay?" he says, a bit annoyed.

"Okay! I'm not gonna keep asking, but now who's not opening up..." I tell him.

I get an eye roll and a shy smile.

"I hate it when you're right," he mumble to himself.

"Oh that's rough, cause it happens a lot!" I tell him as I lead him to the couch.

I put the bottle and my letter on the coffee table in front of us, and turn to face him. He's looking down at his knees, and I can sense that this is a sensitive subject for him. I take his hands in mine, and try to reassure him.

"Safe space, baby. I also want to be there for you. If I ever made you feel like I can't also be your rock, I'm-"

"No!" Shawn cuts me off. "It's not you. It's just, it's hard for me to talk about."

I look him in the eyes. I grab his shoulders and pull him in so he lies on my chest. I place my arms around him and he cuddles up against me. I stroke his hair and notice his breathing is a bit shallow and his heart is racing. I let him get comfortable. He'll talk when he's ready. A few minutes pass, and he finally says, after a deep breath:

"When I'm on stage, I get nervous. And I know, that's completely normal, you'll say. But I feel so much pressure, I put so much pressure on myself. And my hands shake and my heart races and it's making it harder for me to perform. So I've been taking beta blockers before shows. It slows down my heart rate, and makes me calmer."

"Oh baby, that's okay! That's totally understandable. I could never do what you do, of course you'd take something to calm down," I try to comfort him.

"Yeah I know, but still. I don't like to depend on the medication. I don't like keeping it from them either..."

I rock him a little, and I feel his breathing back to normal. I want to think I helped lift a bit of weight off his shoulders.

"All in good time, hun. You'll tell them when you're ready. And for now, you do what you have to do! And most of all, remember that they're all there because they love you and what you do. They're filling the arenas with love, not pressure. Didn't you tell me that? I love who you are, not who you think you should be. It's the same for them, you know. Your fans are here to support you."

"Yeah, but if I'm not nervous, it means I don't care-"

"But Shawn," I stop him, "if you care so much you make yourself sick, that's not healthy either. I always say 'Tout est dans l'équilibre'. Or 'everything in moderation' is how I would translate it. So of course you should keep caring and you should want to give the people the best night of their lives! But not so much that it costs you your own enjoyment of it."

I hug him even tighter, pressing him against my chest. I rub my thumb on his arm, and continue:

"You know I love your passion. It's one of the sexiest things about you. Another one is your vulnerability. You shouldn't be ashamed of any of that, Shawn. You do what you have to do. And one day, if you feel ready and you want to stop it, you will. Or if you feel better taking them, you do! I love you. I'm so proud of you. Always."

I could see that his eyes were closed, but now he turns around to look at me.

"I love you too. What did I do to deserve you?" he asks, rhetorically.

"You probably have an amazing guardian angel," I say as a smile spreads across my face.

We share a kiss.

"The best," Shawn whispers as he closes his eyes again, and stays snuggled up against me.