Post Olympic

Numb

uh

well this one, is uh, it's short

MUSIC: dIp 1.1 - William Basinski (that's an i between the d and the p) (this is a super cool series where the guy just records the tape disintegrating, and it gets super distorted and weird at the end, anyway, it fits the chapter, enjoy)

lol

-rabid

******************

Time doesn't exist when you're numb.

It could be days. I think it is days.

I think I make it through two practices and a plane ride before waking up even just a little.

Nobody notices.

I think I can see bits of my heart laying on the rubber in the entrance to rink three. Shattered chunks of my soul. Nobody else can see them. I do. They're there every time I enter the rink.

I can't breathe most of the time. I'm running on autopilot.

I watch another one of their games. I coach.

I'm dull. I'm a shell. My guts are still laying in the doorway, sobbing.

I'm in Detroit.

I'm not actually.

I've been in the doorway to rink three for a week.

Maybe longer.

Pain subsides to a throb.

I start to see things again. I start to pay attention. Other voices no longer sound like the din in a restaurant, but clearer.

I've ignored my phone for a week. Sam has called. We were supposed to go on a date tonight. I can't think about it. It makes me ache again.

Adelaide and Maggie have stopped by. I didn't answer the door. I stayed quiet.

I missed therapy.

I'm exhausted.

A bird chirps outside the window when I wake. Just one small red bird. I stare at it for a while. My mind is blank, so I stare.

Then I make myself breakfast. I work my way into the weight room. I wait for the team. They arrive. I coach.

I watch Fenrir.

I make sure he's okay.

I make sure he's alert.

I make sure he doesn't feel like this.

I make sure he's alright.

Then I wrap it up.

I let them go home.

Then I go back upstairs. I cook myself dinner but I just stare at it.

I need to do something. I'm numb again.

I didn't want to feel like this ever again.

I told myself after Liza died that I wouldn't let myself feel like this.

Then Fenrir happened.

And then he didn't happen.

And so I'm numb again.

I want to fly back to Boston. I want to find Liza on the corner of M and O street. I want to sleep under that bridge again. I want to watch the harbor for boats. I want to smell low tide again. I want everything to be what is was before Fenrir.

But I don't want to lose that night in the cabin. I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him. I'm ready. He wanted to fall in love with me.

I should have let him.

We're playing Calgary.

"Nico?" Jorgen waves his hand in front of my face. I blink back to focus.

"Huh?"

"You've been acting weird for six weeks. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I sigh.

"I don't believe you, but come on. Put it aside. We have a game to play. This game decides wether or not we're in the playoffs. This is it." I know this, of course, because Hadley's been telling me for two weeks now. I step out onto the bench.

"Game time." I mumble, tapping my clipboard against my leg.

"Game time." Hadley agrees.

I take a deep long breath of rink air. I take another. I push thoughts from my head. I become blank again. I blink. I clear my thoughts.

I let sounds in first. The music. It's not good. It's warmup music. I watch my players.

Yeti Rex is good. He looks like he's on his game. Ireland the same. Greenbean as well. I ignore Fenrir. I don't need to think about Fenrir.

We make it through the first period, and I'm falling back together again. I'm working with myself. My body no longer seems foreign.

"Alright boys." I hop up on the table. "That was a good first period. It wasn't awesome, but it wasn't awful. You need to think together. Bring yourselves in. Work as a unit. Salsa! Think about your options. Slow the game down. They're pushing our limits and making us nervous, don't you see? They're tripping us up when we're not paying attention. They're making us weak when we're the strongest. Making us unstable when were the most stable. Take your advantages. Use them."

"Lets go!" Ireland hollers. The team hollers with him. I grin.

This is my sport. This is where past meets present meets future. I'm whole here.

This is where things make sense.