Subject Me To Love [Book Two]

Chapter Thirty-Nine

*Not edited* Not proofread*

Chapter 39– Do I do it?:

I've always had a problem with eye contact. There's just something so personal about the seemingly meaningless act that it makes me uncomfortable in that skin-crawling, blood-boiling kind of way.

However, over the years, I've realised that eye contact can be intimidating and more threatening than words could ever be if used right; and fuck me if that didn't make me jump at the chance to stare at people and make them feel as uncomfortable as I used to feel when it was used like that on me.

But in this makeshift hut, in the middle of winter, it's different. Here, with him, it's different.

Dakota's blue eyes, dull without the glistening of sadness, stare into mine patiently, waiting for whatever it is I'm about to say; whatever it is I'm about to share. I switch between scanning his face, tracing his features, to holding his stare and connecting my eyes with his. The eye contact here isn't needed to be intimidating, to make him aware of a threat. It's just... normal.

The tattooed blonde doesn't show any sign of curiosity, but I know better. I know he's just bursting with anticipation on the inside, as well as some sort of content, no doubt. His jaw is clenched, the muscles ticking every time he bites down just that little bit harder, and I know he's trying to stop the amusement from showing. He's finally gotten the moment he's been waiting for; the moment I tell him something willingly; the moment I confide in Dakota Black for the first time.

         He has this bubble of ignorance cocooning him, protecting him from the information that he's probably better off without; so blissfully unaware. He's unknowing to the mess I've created, oblivious to the troubles I've caused for not only myself, but for those around me. He's intrigued by the words I have yet to speak, interested in the small secret I'm about to tell him, unaware what chaos it could cause for us both.

So I change my mind.

Not only do I suddenly realise that confessing whatever it is I was just about to confess to Dakota will come back to bite me in the ass eventually, I also don't think I can share my burdens with someone else— someone else who has so many of his own. I know he's expecting my confession to be mundane and of little importance, but the weight of what I was really about to tell him would knock that light-hearted amusement right from his face the minute he hears about my involvement with Mac— with Ricky. And there's something in me that can't do that, not to him. I don't want to be responsible for the reason things change, for the reason this whole shit show becomes even worse.

        I don't want to ruin things here. 

        For once, I don't want to harm Dakota Black.

But why not? Isn't it fun? Isn't that what you do?

        I try to ignore the flinch of shock upon hearing the gruff whisper that pops up out of nowhere, but I'm startled. I'm so used to having nothing but silence around Dakota that I don't expect the expected.

Don't listen, Harlow, a smaller, softer voice overrides the first sinister one, not startling me like it initially did.

Wouldn't it be fun, though? You haven't ruined someone in so long. Isn't that what you've been waiting to do? Ruin them— him?

You're better than that.

But you're not. You were trained for this, made for this. Just do it. Ruin him a little.