Euphoria

'03 Bonnie and Clyde. I

Maddy knew who she was from a very early age. For as long as Maddy could remember, everybody loved her. She never knew exactly what it was. She just knew that she had something special. Something intangible. Something immeasurable. And it gave her confidence. That's why she loved pageantry, because you didn't have to be the prettiest, or the tallest, or the blondest, or the whitest. You just had to have fucking confidence. And she probably would have gone on to win Miss Universe. If it weren't for one guy. Her dreams were dashed by some random 50 year old creep who didn't molest her, let alone ever meet her. She refused to eat for a week out of protest. But then she realized how much she liked not doing anything. Maddy would never say it out loud, especially not today because everybody's so political, but she never really had any desire to have a career or job. She was just interested in doing what she did, just without school and the other bullshit. Her mother was an esthetician, which is a fancy way of saying she gave pedicures to rich people. And her dad was a drunk who was always pretending to hold jobs longer than he did. She quickly realized that there are two kinds of people in the world. The people who sit in the chairs, with their feet in the foot bath. And the people who kneel in front of the foot bath. She used to sit and study the women who came in. She'd pay attention to what they wore and what they'd talk about. And what she realized was that none of them actually did anything. I mean, they may have had children to raise or like, homes to decorate, but at the end of the day, they literally did nothing. They literally did nothing. And strangely, none of them had confidence. She had had a thing for Nate for a while before he finally asked her out. At first he was a gentleman. Like, flowers every day kind of gentleman. And he was smarter than most guys. Plus Nate like, really loved her. And she did love Nate. She loved her relationship with Nate. She was also a really good girlfriend. Granted, she didn't always tell the truth. Because the truth-truth is that when she was 14, on vacation in Panama City Beach, she met a guy who was like, 40. Which in retrospect, seems kind of rape-y and weird, but honestly, she was the one in control. She could tell by looking in Nate's eyes how much it meant to him that she was a virgin. That she was 100% his. Plus it's not like anyone could feel the fucking difference. But that's the thing about guys like Nate. They don't actually want a person. They want something they can own and possess. Like Sharon Stone in Casino. But the cool thing about Sharon Stone in Casino is that she ran the fuck over De Niro. And she did the same to Nate. Seriously, Sharon Stone in Casino was like, Maddy's spirit animal. She also watched a lot of porn. Not because it turned her on or anything, it didn't. But if you analyzed it really closely, there were a ton of really good secrets. Sometimes during sex she would imagine she was a ventriloquist controlling her body, moving her hips and arching her back in just the right way. She wanted Nate to feel good about the way he fucked. Because if you make a guy feel confident and powerful... Well, they'll do anything. She did worry about the whole monogamy thing though. It's not like she ever, cheated-cheated. Every now and then she'd find herself, in like, a gray area. Except for that DJ who said he opened for Calvin Harris. And that stockbroker guy with the family who lived on Oak Street. And the hot dude who ran the roller rink. But honestly, those were all times when Nate and her were on a break. Plus, Nate could be a real asshole. And sometimes, Maddy fantasized about punching Nate. But because of who he was as a person, she was afraid he'd hit her back. Especially because he was coming to terms with his sexuality. It's like, the root of a lot of violence. And when she got home that night, she felt sick to her stomach. Like enough to throw up. It wasn't the violence that scared her. It was the fact that she knew, no matter what he did, she'd still love him. 

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Things were weird when we got to school that day. Maddy had walked into class with a jumper and a fucking turtle neck with glasses covering her eyes. When I asked her about it she had immediately got defensive and had told me she was on her period. Maddy's first class was Intro to Calc in Room 202 with me, Jade Ashbury. Which, unfortunately, was in the upper left wing of the school.