The Odd One Out | ✍🏼

09. Hospitals

 - Lorenzo Colombo - 

I watched another one of my older brother's cars pulled in front of the hospital, Leo jumping out, before whom I presumed was Leonidas went to park the car. Fran pulled over, allowing Elijah and I to each grab a side of Florence, as we too, climbed out of the car. 

Leo rushed over, grabbing Florence from our grip and rushing the pale, limp girl inside the hospital. 

I couldn't move a muscle after that, just by bringing my head to my hands. How could I have let this happen to my only sister? My father was surely going to grill me for that, maybe even Leon and defiantly Leo. 

I should have done more for her, and I know Leo knows that because he didn't even spare me a glance. He briefly looked at Elijah, but I knew he was disappointed in the two of us. 

He knew that I knew it was her when I first saw her yesterday. I know I should have fought harder for her to stay last night so then we wouldn't be in this position anymore, but we are. It feels like I am living a nightmare, and I just want it to end!

"Enz, it's not your fault" I flinched at the hand that had landed down on my shoulder, surprised by the use of a nickname from this certain person's mouth. None of this felt real. 

"Enz, stop overthinking, you have done what you could" I hadn't done what I could, that was my problem. I had done anything but what I could and I knew that everyone knew that. "Enz" my shoulders were then lightly shaken by this person, but I wasn't responding. 

How could I respond when I felt so helpless?

"Lijh, go get him something to drink" Leon didn't force me to walk with Elijah, rather turning me towards him, as he pulled my shocked body into his. "Just breathe" he pulled my head into his chest, as he ran a hand through it and down my back. 

I couldn't stop the tears that ran down my cheeks at the familiarity of my mother in Leon's actions. The tears turned into sobs, as I was starting to choke. I couldn't hug him back, rather wanting to punch him.

"Shhh" I wanted to scream and punch for what he was doing to me. For what he was doing to the little boy I had buried deep within the rest of my memories. "Stop! Stop it!" I tried to use my arms to push him away, but he had wrapped himself so firmly around my shoulders and head that I couldn't move my arms up to do something to get away. 

To remove the memory of my own mother. 

"You're alright" his hushed words in my right ear felt the exact same as my mothers, but I wasn't crying because I had been hurt and she was comforting me. No, I was crying at the familiarity. 

I was sobbing because I had never grieved my mothers death properly.

And now my sister was probably going to be pronounced dead just like my own mother was in this exact same hospital. It was all because I hadn't done enough. I never do enough for the people I love. 

 "I want mama" I finally said it, after years of knowing that she wouldn't be ever coming back to hold me. "I want her!" I cried out, making my sobs even worse. I couldn't stop heaving, as I finally let myself fall limp in Leon's arms. 

"Have a drink" I felt one of his arms reach for something behind me, before a cup was pushed towards my lips. I just pushed it away, trying to get oxygen into my lungs in between my sobs. "No" 

I knew I was acting like a little kid, but it was all because I didn't grieve. It was just all crashing down on me at this moment. I had found my sister in the worst condition possible, and it all lead up to me not helping. 

I should have listened to Elijah when he said we should call her to meet up over the weekend, but I didn't believe him, so he didn't get the chance to help her because of me. 

All because of me.

It has always been because of me. My own mother was so sick she couldn't take her pills, but not once did I ever offer to help her, rather letting it get to the point where she had to go to the hospital to have them via the drip, but it was all too late. 

I am probably too late now. "Drink" the cup reappeared at my lips, but I just turned away, smooshing my head into his chest. I don't want anyone to see me for who I am now. 

"Just a sip" Leon tried to push the cup to my lips from the side I was on, but I didn't want to. Drinking wasn't helping the situation Florence was in at the moment. Would she even want to be called Florence if all she has known in Thalia? 

I'm not going to know anything about her, like her favorite color, her favorite book, her favorite flower, I am such a hopeless brother.  "Why not?" Leon questioned, handing my cup to someone, as he pulled my head up with that hand. 

"It won't help anyone; it won't help her" I sobbed, burying my head in his chest. I hate that I was opening up to him so easily. 

I was unloading everything to the brother that hadn't even met his own mother that probably had children before him or after him that he didn't know about, all because of me and my stupid problems. 

"You won't help anyone by not having a drink. What do you think she would do if she found you not having something to drink?" I didn't even think about my answer before I lifted my head up, signaling in my eyes that I wanted my drink.

It was then handed to Leon, who wasn't letting me take it, rather placing it at my dry lips while I hungrily drank it all down in one go. Leon then took the cup away, giving it someone to hopefully refill it. 

I needed some more water after all of my sobbing, which had still not subsided as my chest was still heaving and my dry lips trembled. 

"There" he then pulled my head back into his chest, making everything my body stop and just calm down for a moment. 

Always just a moment. 

"Nothing that has happened to Florence is your fault; none of us here are at fault and you know that as do I" 

I guess I did know that it wasn't my fault, but it was just easier to blame myself. I always worked harder when I blamed myself for something that I had no control over. I mean, why wouldn't you blamed the child that can't grieve?

I didn't even cry at my own mothers funeral, so it would be easier to blame the child that doesn't know how to express his emotions, rather bottling it all up for days like these when it takes something to just push me over the edge till I can't stop. 

I wonder how far I can push myself till there is no more time to push myself?

It's all just going to be a 'I wonder' or 'I think' because I don't actually want to know. I just want to know how to stay strong like Leon. 

Because, maybe Leon sees me in him, as I try so hard to be like him.  

Strong and expressionless. 

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thoughts? lmk