Alex book thing

Regrets, realizations & lessons

When I was 14 years old, one of my closest friends died.

His name was Mason and he kind of was the sunshine in our small group of friends. He could even fix the worst fights between us.

When we thought something was impossible, he would do it. He would always prove everyone wrong. "The greatest joy in life is doing what other people say you can't do."

I've always had a hard time saying I love people. Saying that I care about them. I've gotten better at it over the past few years, but when you're 14 that's not something you spit into your friends face.

I did love him though. I loved him with all my heart and till today I regret I never said it to him. Everyday I wonder that - if I had told him how much he meant to me - would he still be here?

Even huge problems can be disguised. With make-up, but easier: with a smile.

He smiled so much that I never noticed something was wrong. Even now that still gives me the feeling like I was the worst friend walking around on planet Earth.

If my friend felt depressed to the point life had lost every meaning to him and I didn't notice something like that, that makes me a bad friend right?

Losing Mason was like a slap in my face. It made me realize things I'd never thought about before.

It made me realize that I'm selfish as fuck.

It made me realize that even when people say they're okay, there's a good chance they're everything but "okay."

It made me realize what it is like to miss someone so bad, that it feels like your heart is ripped out.

It made me realize how many people waste their life's doing things they don't want to do.

It made me realize how fucked up humanity is.

It made me realize that I have the right to hate a lot of parents.

It made me realize that pretending like your life is perfect, doesn't work.

It made me realize that giving fucks is really fucking dangerous.

It made realize that once you get close to someone, there's no way to back away anymore. You need and will take care of that person for as long as it's your friend.

It made me realize how hard it is to have a responsibility like friendship.

It made me realize that the brightest sun, often feels the most dark inside.

It made me realize that a smile can cover everything, but the eyes can't. People can smile, while they have tears in their eyes.

It made me realize that when you want to do something, you need to do it. If it makes you happy, it's the only right thing. Do things that make you happy and nothing else.

It made me realize that you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.

It made me realize who my real friends are.

It made me realize that even when it seems like nothing can cheer you up, music is still there.

It made me realize that life is too short to care about what other people think of me. So what if they think I'm an asshole? If my friends know I'm not - kind of - then everything is just fine.

It made me realize how bad I am in helping people with their problems. I can never find the right words to say. The words that change their minds.

It made me realize what an easy escape death is.

But it also made me realize that even though death is an easy escape, it leaves the people who cared about you broken.

Maybe it seems like no one cares about, but that's not true. Someone out there there's someone who cares about. Someone who thinks about you and wants you to be happy.

If you die, there's a piece of that person that can never be fixed. First it leaves a wound, bleeding and hurting.

After a while, time starts to heal that wound and leaves behind a scar. A scar that will never go away. Every time that person thinks about you, the scar will hurt once again.

There's no pain as horrible as the feeling of missing. The feeling of missing someone you know will never come back.

Masons dead was a lesson to me. Ofcourse it left a scar I still feel every, single day, but it also teached me things I would might not have figured out without him leaving.

I hope he's in a happy place. Or as a flower back on earth. Or a fish. Which will might result in him ending on my plate... I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

Stay different ✌

- Alex