Alex book thing

The person I am.

I can count my friends on two hands. 

I don't have many. 

I'm the kind of person who wonders multiple times a day how the fuck I managed to these amazing people (because that's what my friends are) around me.

I'm not a very nice guy. At least, that's how I see myself. I'm very sarcastic, I'm very rude, I will say exactly what I'm thinking and I tend to dislike people very easily. I can't keep conversations going, partly because I don't really like talking to be people (whether it's about myself or about other stuff) and partly because I'm not the social kind of human being. 

I formed myself into being a guy that isn't very easily hurt. I take barely anything personal. I barely care about anything anybody says to me. 

I've gotten myself into trouble a lot with that. By not listening to people. By expressing how little fucks I gave about what they were telling me.

Me and my dad have never gotten along and me being the way I was was one of the reasons why. I have always been a really fucking stubborn person. I think my own things and don't like to be told what I'm supposed to feel, say or wear. I will fight back, I will refuse and that has led to extreme discussions with my father.

I was raised in a family where religion is very important. My whole family believes, they go to church every sunday and sometimes close family comes together to read the Bible. 

From the moment I learned that there was more out there than God, I started pushing religion away. I figured out that religion is absolutely not made for me. I don't tell people that believing in God is bad. I simply don't believe. 

My family has till this day not accepted this. My dad has till this day not accepted this. He has called me a few things because of it. He has said that he'd rather not have me as a son. Naturally, I was hurt by what he was saying, but I managed to shrug it off.

It did change me. I got very hard. My emotions are very limited and I don't waste my attention on people who do not deserve my attention. I can't stand whining. I can't stand people who think they know everything better. I can't stand labels. I can't stand people who put labels on everything. I can't stand people who want labels put on them, because they so desperately need attention. I can't stand attention whores. 

There's more. There's a lot fucking more, but I won't bore any of you with the things I dislike. It would become a huge list and I don't think any of you is really interested in that.

There are a lot of ways of dealing with your problems. There are sensitive people, like my best friend Kyran, who are very influenced by everything that has happened or happens to him. He can get very sad out of nowhere. Random things can upset him a lot and he feels alone very quick. That is alright. He's allowed to cope with his problems that way and I'm glad to help him through it when he's feeling down, because I'm his friend.

Then there's the people like my other friend Rayne, who has simply shaken everything off. He's living life to the fullest, barely thinks about his past and is not experiencing any problems with it either. He's an extremely positive guy, will always be there for you when you need him and cracks jokes constantly (it could be something Irish).

And there's the people like me. We deal with problems by shutting down our emotions. We take a couple of feelings we don't like and put them in a box, store them far, far away. Feelings that make us feel vulnerable. Feelings that make us feel weak. I can get very angry and very annoyed. Those two emotions are very strong with me. Ofcourse there are days when I get sad, but I tend to just not talk to anybody. Lock myself away inside of me, not expressing my feelings, not telling everyone that I'm feeling down. That's my way of protecting myself. I've become - or maybe always was - a very sarcastic, cynical, bitter person. 

Yes, I'm only 19 and ofcourse I believe there is time enough to change. There's time enough to soften up, there's time enough to learn that crying is fine, as I haven't cried in a very, very long time. I'm sure this will all happen some day, but not yet. 

Regardless of what kind of person I am, I will always love my friends with every ounce of my heart. Maybe it is because I dislike a lot of people. Maybe it is because only a certain kind of people can become my friend. Maybe it is because somewhere deep inside I'm quite a loving guy.

All I know is that my friends and my dog are the most important thing in my life and that I honestly couldn't give to shits about people judging me, hating me, telling me who I'm supposed to be. I don't. 

So if I ever come off mean, rude, cold or emotionless, it's because I kind of am. And if you're getting the feeling I dislike you: it's either because I really do or because you just haven't got to that side of me that opens up the tiniest bit.

I'm sorry about that. But it's nothing something I'm willing to change just yet.

Thanks for wasting your time reading this.

Stay different.

- Alex