My Unfortunate Fate

chapter 79

The tide gets strong, but life goes on.

I can't stop thinking about what happened. Earlier today, I killed another living being—a military opponent, but a living being nonetheless. I've ended lives before, but those were under the pretext of self-defence, so they don't count. This time, I had a choice. I could have chosen not to kill Trench, but I didn't.

At least the evidence of my wrongdoing has been eradicated. On the way back to Anaxes, we blew up Trench's command ship.

I think there is still adrenaline running through my veins. Despite my attempts at resting, I have paced the length and width of my quarters hundreds of times. After hours of frustration and sobbing and anxious walking, I decide to leave my quarters, taking nothing but my cloak with me.

I watch my feet as my boots clatter against the rocky ground. The straps that keep them fitted flap as I move. My heels hit the ground first, then the balls of my feet. The toes of these boots are cut in a broader arc than what I remember. Then again, I haven't spent much time observing them. Black or brown leather boots are standard issues for Jedi Knights. I've never chosen what boots to wear—this pair is my only option.

I come to a halt and look forward.

Before me is a spare rations crate. Although we're packing up, I know we don't have enough rations to get to this crate, so I take a seat and sigh. I've been largely inactive for the past few hours, and yet I am tired.

I twiddle my thumbs, comb my fingers through the dead ends of my hair, fix my robes—anything to cure my boredom. I feel as though bile might be gathering in my throat—either that or an onslaught of tears. I don't know which would be worse.

I see my eyelashes twitching and look up, trying to stay awake and straight-faced.

I set my chin on my palm and watch clones load up gunships and send them off-world. I'm going to miss them when we leave. I hope the clones get the autonomy to live proper lives after the war ends, but there is nothing I can do to ensure that. Unfortunately, all I can do is hope.

I sense someone's presence—someone, very familiar to me. I look up.

"Do you mind?" Obi-Wan asks, gesturing to the spot beside me.

I nod, moving over to give him space on the other side of the crate. I try not to display any emotions.

"Is there something troubling you, y/n?"

I could lie to Obi-Wan and tell him no, that nothing is wrong, despite the hundreds of problems that contradict that, however, I won't. He is my friend. For a long time, I looked up to him as a mentor. What would be the purpose of lying?

"This war is deeply troubling," I say, finally settling on an appropriate—and honest—answer.

Obi-Wan nods, pulling his lip back in thought. "You executed Admiral Trench, although you did not need to. Is that right?"

I look at him, my mask slipping. "He didn't have the means to kill us. It wasn't self-defence. It isn't the Jedi Way, I know."

"There's more to it," he cuts in. "It is unlike you, y/n."

"It was an impulse decision," I defend. I cannot elaborate on how, or why I made that decision, and I think Anakin withheld some details about the event to keep us in the clear.

"I hope, for your sake, that it was."

I narrow my eyes and furrow my brow. "What do you mean?"

Obi-Wan sighs, then explains, "Chancellor Palpatine has been lenient about the way Jedi conduct war, but many powerful military officers feel Jedi should be subject to more scrutiny, especially regarding the legal aspect of war. Some citizens want heroes, but many aren't oblivious to the means those heroes use to ensure victory. Mass destruction, collateral damage, torture of military opponents—anything that can be prosecuted will be."