Behind The Limelight

34: Terrible Roads

Ashton found himself sitting on the porch late at night. Everyone had already gone to bed. Ryker was confused when Ashton told him he'd join him in a few, but he didn't question Ashton too much about it, giving him his space.

Ashton hated how anxiety had become his natural state. He'd always suffered from being nervous, but over the last few years it had gotten progressively worse. He had to cancel so many interviews and events last year because every time he would try to leave the house, fear would grip him hard, leaving him immobile. It definitely played a role in how his career started to deteriorate too.

All Ashton could do was curse himself for being stupid. For being weak.

It did get better, though. His panic attacks, which he would never admit were panic attacks, became less frequent and he was able to focus on work again. But the possibility that he could go back to that phase, that time when everything left him terrified and alone was sufficient to break Ashton down.

"Ash?" Called out a soft, sleepy voice. Ashton turned around to see Helena standing there, rubbing her eyes with a glass of water in her hand.

"Oh, hey. I didn't wake you, did I?" Ashton asked. Helena shook her head lightly as she came and sat down next to the actor.

"No, I got up to fetch some water and saw the porch light on," Helena answered. "Can't sleep? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Ashton said. He was lying. He tilted his head to look at Helena, who was frowning at him, clearly not buying it.

"I'm not going to force you to talk, but I hope you know that you can say anything if you want to," Helena replied. "You, Ryker, Abi...all three of you are my kids. And a mother knows when her children aren't fine."

Ashton stared at her, almost speechless for a brief period of time. The corner of his eyes were starting to water, but he closed them shut as he rested his head on Helena's shoulder. She kept her hand on his hair, caressing it soothingly.

"I think I have feelings for someone," Ashton admitted, his voice low and scared. "Someone I'm not supposed to like."

"And?"

"And it's terrifying. It's going to change everything and I... I'm not good with change," Ashton said.

"Oh, filho," Helena sighed. "You know, when I met Jim, his entire family was against him being with me."

"Really? Why?"

"They thought I was playing him. Trying to trap him into marrying me for a green card," Helena scoffed. "And when my family got to know this, they were livid. They didn't want me marrying into a family that thought so low of me."

"What happened then?" Ashton asked, curious. He didn't know Helena and Jim's story.

"Jim and I said fuck you to them all, what else?" Helena said with a light chuckle. "We knew our love was true. That was all that mattered to us. We told our families that if they didn't want to support us, then they weren't invited to the wedding. We drove to a court the next day and got married. Just us and a couple of our close friends."

"That's epic," Ashton smiled, making Helena nod.

"They came around in the end. My point here is that love isn't always easy," Helena paused. "And I know in your case it hasn't always been kind either. But do not give up on it, Ash. It is the most amazing thing in the world if you let it grow."

"But it's complicated," Ashton argued. "My life...when you're a public figure then your life isn't just your own. I know I signed up for it and everything, but I have millions of people criticizing my every move. For fuck's sake even if I wear the same hoodie outside twice then I have people judging me for not knowing shit about fashion. It's exhausting, and with this person...I know it's not going to be a smooth ride."