Onigiri

The First Dark Thoughts

You laid in bed. You thought.

And your thoughts weren't pleasant.

No one should have those kinds of thoughts. And here you were, with those thoughts filling your head.

You wanted to act on those thoughts.

Atsumu's words kept sinking deeper and deeper. You started feeling that he was right.

Maybe you should just die.

But that wouldn't fix anything. It would create more problems. Mrs. Miya and Osamu wouldn't want you to die. They love you so much, it would only pain them to see you go like that.

And yet, your mind wandered to those dark thoughts. Going deeper and deeper into the darkness, to the point where it felt suffocating.

And you were drowning. Drowning in those horrible thoughts, going deeper into the spiral of depression.

Your self-worth was gone. You felt like you were nothing, like you shouldn't exist. You were letting those dark thoughts win, not even trying to put up a fight at this point. You have been broken for too long. This time, it passed the point of return.

There was no going back.

There were no thoughts of Mrs. Miya, nor any thoughts of Osamu.

All you thought of was dying. And that's what fueled you.

You locked yourself in your room, feeling too afraid of what you might be able to do. You remained curled up on your bed, hugging your knees to your chest. Your tears fell endlessly down your face.

You tried to stay silent, but your sobs ended up needing to be muffled by your pillow. You couldn't contain the sounds that broke through your mouth, passed your lips.

Mrs. Miya came into the house, sensing something was wrong. She went up and pressed her ear against your door. She heard your sobs, wondering what could've possibly happened to make you come home crying during school.

As much as she wanted to pry, she felt it best to leave you by yourself for the time being. Mrs. Miya decided she'd try asking you later on whenever you felt like leaving your room. She was patient enough to wait for you to come to her.

All the while, Atsumu's words and actions kept replaying in your head. And your own thoughts were agreeing with him.

You were starting to hate yourself, wishing you were dead. You felt the urge to do something about it. But you were stopped by the thought of not wanting anyone else to find out. And you knew that if you did something, Mrs. Miya and Osamu would find out, and they wouldn't stop doting on you. Which would end up making Atsumu hate you more.

There was a knock on your door.

"Y/n, sweetie, it's getting late. I know you've been there since earlier. I know you came home earlier. Mind if I come in?"

Upon hearing the woman's voice, you went to your door and unlocked it, heading back to your bed and curling back up.

Mrs. Miya heard the click of the lock and opened the door. "Mind telling me what the matter is?"

You sat up, looking at her with your teary eyes. "I hate being alive."

Her eyes widened as she rushed to the bed, sitting beside you. "What makes you say that?"

"I can't take it anymore. Atsumu is right. I shouldn't even be here. I need to stay out of his life. Why'd I have to meet Osamu and live here?" You sobbed, throwing your face back into your pillow.

The woman was shocked, to say the least. To hear her son was not only harassing you but also saying such horrible things to you. This didn't sit well with the mother.

She gently placed a hand on your shoulder. "He's not right, not right at all. He's wrong to say anything like that to you. You're an amazing person. Both me and Osamu love you so much. There's no way we'd be happy without you here."

You sniffed, looking up at her. "You guys would be better without me."

"No. We would not. Listen to me, Y/n. There's no one I'd have rather adopted and have live in my house as family that you. I brought you to live here because it would make Osamu happy. And I also wanted a daughter, and you're the closest thing I have to one. Don't ever think that you're better off having not existed or that you don't belong here. Because no matter what anyone else says, you belong here just like the rest of us."

"Can we make an agreement?"

Mrs. Miya's eyes softened as she continued looking at you. "Of course. What is it?"

"I'm only staying here until high school."

"What?"

You continued your thoughts. "Once I'm going into high school, I'll go to a different prefecture for school. It solves the problem of having to deal with Atsumu."

She sighs, a sad look contorting her face. "If that's what you really want, then fine. However, I want you to wait to fully make the decision until it's time for you to go to high school."

"Fine. I'll wait till then, but I won't be changing my mind."

"I understand." A small glare forms on the woman's face. "Damn, Atsumu, for treating you so horribly. If he only behaved and grew to like you, even just a little. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about losing the only daughter I've had."

"But I'm not your real daughter...."

"It feels like you are, though. And if you leave, I'm gonna miss you." She gave a sad, almost pouting, look.

You give a weak smile. "I'll miss you too. And I'll miss Osamu. But Atsumu...."

"I get it. Now, wanna help me with dinner?"

You smile slightly. "Yeah, let's go make dinner."