Love You To The Stars| JEGULUS

Chapter 23: Stay or Go?

Tw: yelling, fighting (verbal) I think that's it...

Regulus (1st person) POV:

I think it's James and I's thing to wake up in each other's arms because I have cried prior to that. It just feels normal at this point. I realize I cry a lot, too. It's funny, Sirius never cries. Remus also never cries, except for his valid reasons. (All reasons are valid to cry, Reggie T-T) And James, well he rarely cries. I often get jealous that I can't control my emotions. I really don't have any good reasons to cry. But I do anyway.

Maybe this is why no one is content with me. Mother never was. Nor was my father. Sirius wasn't. He always said I should 'stand up to them' or 'be more brave'. No wonder I'm not liked. I can't be brave enough. I can't be good enough to people's likings.

James is a little harder to figure out. Since he claims to like me, it's hard to think that he doesn't like me. I think it hurts more knowing he doesn't. The feeling sinks in as I'm in his arms. I think of ways he wouldn't like me.

I put and still put his family in danger.

That's what it is. He was concealing his regret and not wanting me by words and actions to cover up his thoughts. That's why love is cruel. You finally trust and it gets taken from you. Whether it is from the other or another person. Or both. James must not want me then. Nor does Sirius or Remus. Effie and Fleamont don't either. They won't want me to still be here because of my mother.

Shit. My mother. She knows where I am if she didn't before. There are only a few days left of the holiday. She will want me and can get to me at Hogwarts. A foul thought comes and I try to block it. Not for my sake, no. For the supposed James and his family's sake. So they say.

I could go back.

No, I shouldn't. Why would I do that? Because she will take her anger out on me and not James or Sirius. Or his family. I look back over at a sleeping James. How he falls asleep against the bathroom wall sitting, I don't know. I slowly uncross his arms from my chest and set them down. I get up, somehow not waking him up.

I walk to James' room. I look at the clock. It reads: 3:48 PM. Okay, not as late as I thought. I walk the corner of his room where our supplies and trunks were. I had already packed, so it was a simple grab for me. I scan the room for anything that is mine. I notice the Taylor Swift letter on James' bedside table.

I stop and think. My heart rate is high and so is my fear. I want to make rational decisions. I breathe in and out, not wanting to waste more time. It was only a few more minutes until James would wake up, probably. I have to decide.

Stay or go.

I want to stay. I know I should stay but that tiny voice that you always ignore is telling me to go. I barely acknowledge it but I know I have to go. I have made a mistake. A big one that I only can hope they won't have to pay for. I will miss them all. Their warm presence. The atmosphere here is all I've ever wanted. I promised myself that I would finally get it. And I did. But it's time to go; just like seasons.

I grab my trunks and shrink them. I place them in my pocket, so it won't look like I was leaving. I scan the room once more, remembering the warmness, the smell, and the feeling. Now, I'm not a monster. I'm going to say goodbye to James, just not... formally? I open the bathroom to see a sleeping James. I kneel by him and shake his shoulders. His eyelids shutter as they open.

"Mm. Good morning." He says, sleepily.

"James, it's not morning." I say blandly.

"Oh, sorry. I'm tired."