Unconditional

Chapter 29

If you have everything, what experience would you choose from eternity?

This question rang through every cell and genetic DNA fiber which made up my being. It was undeniable how much I suppressed over my years, thoughts small to insane aspirations in expression, all due to perceived negative effects. As though every expression didn't come with folks who disliked them. Didn't believe them, or consequences of their own. I had preached to live a life at least you love living, yet I hadn't seen the blindspot I had, given my own desires.

I laughed gently to myself spinning in my desk chair.

And to think I had gone with the excuse that I didn't know what I wanted to do. Reality was, it wasn't plausible in the mindset I had about whatever I did. The instant I entertained something beyond what was normal or capable, I realized my options were truly limitless.

Everything I wanted, what I had been chasing after I see was in fact at least partially, if not majority heavy on settling. Wanting to keep what I had because it was good enough, not wanting to see what more could come from taking a leap. What about the unknowns in the best of ways? In any decision, it does not have to feel like settling, like loss. What option brought true inner fulfillment?

My head tilted up to look at my white ceiling, a smirk playing on my face as a nasally laugh exhaled.

"You..." I whispered... "I see what you want now,"

It was true, the path became clear from the prior clouds, though their downpour cleared the dark sludge away and renewed the land with more life, a new side to hope, more than just settling. The hope that goes beyond your wildest imagination and personal dreams. It wasn't hope anymore, it was knowing, it was intention.

This was straight lined Source divinity. A vessel to experience consciousness, a choice now directed and intended no longer from the subconscious ruler, but from that of the bright consciousness which sees what was hidden.

I realized something that brought me more light than I could have imagined, the weight from my chest which was an everyday occurrence understood and lightened. One I had forgotten, not knowing it was there as I adapted to this new supposed normal I chose for myself. To say that it was okay, when it so very obviously was not. The very fibers of my being screamed their refusals and disapproval, and now I realize the active choices to override the pain without ever understanding why it was there in the first place.

For a child, it makes sense when one cannot cope with immense emotional pain, they block it out having no way to cope, self regulating an incapable process and so they desperately look to their caregivers for emotional support and soothing. Yet what happens when at such an age a parent or both are absent from being able to provide for said child in need? Emotional absence especially?

The blurry memories of childhood, that prior to Sol and even farther to when I was beginning my first few years of life. A newly purchased home we began to move into at my toddler years, and a busy, busy time for my parents. My father had his business successfully thriving, not only up and running but doing extraordinarily well, he was busy during those key essential times of my memory as a young one. The memories of Mom and I are more frequent in my younger years, yet even she struggled to take on the weight of a child alone, a new home, and having to take care of her own everyday issues.

It suddenly occurred why things felt like the good times were temporary. A fleeting pass in the wind which would disappear to never be seen again. On the miniscule occasions where the two were not busy and drowned in stress and work, the three of us would come together and enjoy company with one another. The memories of summer walks around the parks, into creeks and night strolls under the snowy stars. These fragments stored like frozen ice, time locked away as though if it were to melt, I really would have not even a semblance of unity left.