ITS IMPOSSIBLE. THE WAR WITH DEPRESSION SEEMS SO COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE. YOU CANT FUCKING ESCAPE IT. EVERYONE IS ALWAYS ASKING IF IM OKAY AND I HAVE TO SAY YES BECAUSE THEY WONT UNDERSTAND, IVE TRIED REACHING OUT. IVE TRIED. ITS LIKE BEING TIED UP AND WATCHING YOUR FAMILY GET SHOT. I FEEL FUCKING HELPLESS IM DYING FOR HELP BUT EVERYTIME SOME ONE ASKS ME ITS TO BELITTLE ME "oh why you so mad?"
"What do you have to be upset about?"
"You have everything, you have no room to be upset"
"Why you always look like you have a chip on your shoulder?"
"Why you always looking for a fight?"
ITS NOT LIKE I CAN HELP THAT I FEEL THIS WAY. I TELL EVERYONE THAT AND OH THEY UNDERSTAND THEN THEY DONT THEN THEY DO AND THEN GO BACK TO BEING AN ASS ABOUT IT. I GET THIS HOPE THAT SOMEONE MAY FUCKING UNDERSTAND WITHOUT MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A WEAK ASS BUT NO. ITS NO LIKE I CAN ASK FOR A THERAPIST DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS COST? ITS NOT LIKE MY PARENTS HAVE THE MEANS TO BUY ME AN ANTIDEPRESSANT PRESCRIPTION EVERY TIME I RUN OUT. NOTHING IS WORKING AND IM LOSING IT. LIKE I FEEL SO... Beaten. I feel so fucking beat. I've gained weight, I've cried, I've tried everything to distract myself. But I'm so sad. I'm so problematic with my parents because of this. I get angry so fast then I get really sad, and then... I'm happy. That's when you kinda know because when everything is falling apart within yourself and you still find the means to smile and put on a act you only know it can get worse because it is.
"" fake it till you make it ""
Do you know how much faking it has cost me? I've become a professional liar. Every time someone asks if I'm okay it's just a reflex to say "yes" "I'm fine" "yeah I'm good"
Faking the fact that I'm okay has bottled everything into a tiny closet in my soul and now it's fucking pouring out of the cracks. It should be fake it till you can't take it because faking it does nothing.
But I can't stop.
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS NO ONE.
No one.
I don't even understand.
WOW. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW LOST I FEEL. I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND
M Y S E L F
IT FEELS LIKE THERES A STRANGER LIVING INSIDE OF ME. IM SO FUCKING LOST. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.
I don't want to be like this.
I Don't Want To Be Like This.
I d o n t w a n t t o b e l i k e t h i s.
I don't want to die.
But I want to die.
