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The Blacksmiths Apprentice

BOOK: The Blacksmith's Apprentice

AUTHOR: @Danielle_DR

COVER: your cover is okay. "Apprentice" is a little hard to read, and some of the colors clash.

TITLE: the first thing I notice is that you didn't capitalize "Blacksmith's" or "Apprentice". It's very important for you to do that. Other than that, the title is mediocre (I honestly say that about all titles).

SUMMARY:

So your summary doesn't make me want to you read your story too much. Lots more could me added!

Here's what I suggest:

Lulu is a princess, coming from the royal family of Britain. She's used to high class, good crowns, people worshipping her every move, and guards watching her like a hawk. But one day, during a stroll through the village her palace overshadows, she meets a blacksmith and his apprentice.

The apprentice and his enrapturing face and smile. Lulu finds herself falling for the apprentice, but obstacles create road blocks to their happily ever after.

As their love simmers, secrets force their way out of hiding causing a rift in their newfound romance.

Will these secrets change the way they see each other? Will they cause their bond to grow stronger, or show them that they are from two different worlds?

Just so you know, I'm not saying my summary is any better than yours! I'm just suggesting something I'd look at and want to read :)

CHARACTERS:
- Lola: she's a sassy one. I like her.

RUSHED: I think it is rushed. She just met him in chapter 1, doesn't know anything about him at ALL (not even his last name), yet she's crying over him in chapter 3. And then she suddenly wants to be with him after saying she can't be with him in the same paragraph.

And in chapter 1, James is calling Trent dirty but in chapter 3 is whole view has suddenly changed because his sister has a little crush? I understand that James finds himself in the same situation with Sienna, but wouldn't that make him more sympathetic to Trent in chapters 1&2?

The whole changing POVs in the middle of the chapter just adds to the rushed feeling.

PLOT: I think you have some plot holes. You say it's historical fiction yet in Lulu's diary it's 2016? Along with the fact that her makeup is "on fleek" but back then they wouldn't have done their makeup like that.

And below, you mention the Divergent series but how could that have existed if this is historical fiction?

DESCRIPTIONS: some of your descriptions are great, other times they lack a bit. You greatly describe her outfit but don't describe what she even looks like.

OVERALL THOUGHTS: There are lots of points I will touch base on here.

- so you tend to write "u" and "ur" instead of "you" and "your". that pulls the reader away from the story. it's being a lazy author as well.
- when you write dialogue, sometimes you don't add punctuation in the correct place. and you fail to start a new paragraph every time someone speaks.
- when you change POVs, you rewrite the same scenes in just as a different character. no reader needs to read the same scene twice.
- you switched or an "unknown" POV, but why? it doesn't really add anything to the story.
- you tend to give readers pictures of outfits, and other things but your despcritions should be sufficient enough that your story doesn't need picture. I understand lots of authors do that though.

HOW FAR I GOT: I made it to chapter 7

OTHER:
- was i hooked: at times, yes.
- would i keep reading: personally no.

MORE: there are great points to your story and then some that need work.

ADVICE: keep writing! there are people who love your story so great job getting them hooked!

My questions for you:
- was this helpful?
- was i too harsh? sometimes I feel too brutal or not enough! just let me know.
- were you offended?

Please PM or comment if you have any questions about your review! You are free to request from me again! :)

Thank you,

— dreamfloats