The Review Center [ OPEN]

The Land of Evladore

BOOK: The Land of Elvadore

AUTHOR: @InhumaneAnimeFreakKJ

TITLE: Your title is interesting. I think that it could be changed because it's simple but doesn't really pull readers in?

COVER: Your cover is nice. The only problem I have with it is that it's so dark you can hardly read it. I suggest maybe making the font white? Just something brighter is all.

SUMMARY:

Your summary is short & simple but it's missing it's umph. Something to really draw readers in & make them want to read the book. Okay and the first sentence in your paragraph is literally one whole sentence. It's oddly long. Plus it's repetitive. The first thing is "looking at a strange book" and then right after "find something strange about the book". The second sentence is also super redundant.

* Here's what I suggest:

Keep your first sentence.

When three young sibilants, Sasha, Abby, and James, meet up at the library after school, they find a strange book. They learn that the book is the key to entering a new and hidden land, a land no one has ever seen before—except for the residents.

The three of them are given a mission to free Elvadore of the curse that has been cast over it for centuries (or however long).

Thats really just a base. You can add so much more to it.

CHARACTERS:
I really can't go into detail about your characters. You don't give them any substance.

You plain out describe their characters which 10/10 you should never do. Characters traits (physical and personality wise) need to be woven into the story, not told to the readers. Characters don't need to be introduced.

RUSHED: Your book is VERY rushed. There's no build up, no mystery, no angst. In one chapter they're already going into Elvadore. If the librarian didn't want them to take the book, why would she put it on the shelf? How did they not get into trouble for sneaking into the school? Did there parents not care?

PLOT: I like your plot. I like the idea of a secret land & they have to save it. It seems somewhat original.

DESCRIPTIONS: You need to work on your descriptions. You don't describe really anything. You do a lot better in your second chapter.

OVERALL THOUGHTS: I have some problems with your writing. I'm not trying to be harsh, or rude. I want you to improve as a writer and be very successful. Okay, lets dive on in.

1. Everything is so crammed together. In published stories I understand that's how books are. On Wattpad books are so much easier to read if they're spaced differently.

Example:

"Abby! Get up! We're going to be late!" James yelled frantically while scrambling around in a vain attempt to shake Abby awake. I laugh aloud at him.

"James," Abby groaned, rubbing her eyes sleepily. "Why are you waking me up?"

2. That leads us into problem two. You don't create a new paragraph every time a new character talks. I exampled how it should be done above.
3. In the end of chapter one, how would Sasha have known what James or Abby did if she was pulled into the mirror before them? That scene couldn't have happened in Sasha's POV because she wasn't there.
4. You don't need to talk to the audience in parentheses. (screenshot below). The audience will understand if a character is trying to be annoying, you don't need to tell them.

HOW FAR I GOT: chapter 2 lol

OTHER:
- was i hooked: sorta?
- would i keep reading: no

ADVICE: Keep writing! You have such a good idea but it needs work. Don't let my review stop you from writing.

My questions for you:
- was this helpful?
- was i too harsh? sometimes I feel too brutal or not enough! just let me know.
- were you offended?

Please PM or comment if you have any questions about your review! You are free to request from me again! :)

Thank you,

— dreamfloats