Liam
Being back in London since my breakup with Liv has been rough. It was bad enough when we were out in Vegas but now that I've come home, I had to face the reality of what happened. I had my life all mapped out around her and now that we're over I have to figure out how to build a new one alone. Instead of moving into the house that we picked out, I had to find another one last minute. Barb the realtor did contact me to let me know the original house was back on the market. I guess the guy she let steal it out from under me decided he really didn't want it after all. But I don't want it now either. I couldn't bear it after picturing living there with Liv. I wanted to start our family there. I don't want to any reminders of how close I came to everything I ever wanted before everything became so fucked up. So now instead of being happy and domesticated with her like Niall and Lexie are I'm in a huge house by myself. I wish I could enjoy it because it really is an amazing house. Much better than the first one. But the only thing I feel when I'm in it is lonely. So instead of wallowing I've been keeping busy. Either I'm at the gym, out with Louis, or at the studio helping finish up the album. Being occupied is the only thing that makes me keep it together.
I knew I would have to see Liv eventually but I honestly didn't think she would be so bold to show her face at the shows. That's why I couldn't believe it when I saw her at the Apple Music Festival. It pissed me off. Here I was, ready to move on after my epiphany in Vegas. I wasn't going to fixate on her and what she did to me. I was going to focus on myself. Then she shows up, somehow looking even better than my mind had let me remember, making all the feelings I thought I was getting over rush back. I just lost it. As she tried to apologize I had to cut her off. I knew if I let her go on I would somehow let myself forgive her. And I couldn't do that yet. She cheated on me. She hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before. I couldn't just forget that so quickly. So I blew up at her. My anger is my shield and I brought it out in full force. It was the only thing that could protect me from letting her reel me back in only to destroy me once again.
Looking back, I know the reason I blew up like that was because it caught me off guard. I was angry but I probably could've controlled myself better if I knew she was going to be there. I didn't expect to see her and more than that, I didn't expect everyone to be so loyal to her still. Obviously I knew Lexie wouldn't abandon her and Niall comes along with that. Lou is her cousin so it's not like I expected her to cut Liv off. But everyone else still seems as friendly with her as ever. She's living with Gemma and Lottie. Harry is acting more like her friend than mine these days. Even Louis who has been completely on my side through everything, hasn't said a bad thing about her. I haven't seen him speak to her but even when I'm ranting, letting myself vent about how pissed I am at her, he only listens. He never adds his own commentary. And I've vented a lot. I was so angry at first. I still am but the more time that goes by, the more it starts to fade. No matter how hurt I am or how angry I want to be, I still can't bring myself to hate her like I should. Maybe it would be easier if I didn't have to see her nearly every day. Maybe if she was out of sight, eventually she would be out of mind but somehow I can't bring myself to believe that either. I feel like all I think about is her. I miss being with her. I miss the way things used to be. We used to be so good then, all of a sudden, we weren't.
Somewhere along the way I started trying to think back and figure out where things went wrong. It really is true how they say hindsight is 20/20. There were so many signs that she was unhappy I should have seen. She wasn't herself those few months we were touring the states. All she wanted to do was go out, drink, and party. I thought she was just letting loose and having fun but now that I have fresh eyes I see she was using it as an escape. She was dodging reality and in a way, dodging me. I had our future all planned out and she was just going along with it to make me happy. She was telling me how happy she was and how ready she was to start our life together but then everything she did said the exact opposite. She went a little wild to show me she wasn't ready but I never even noticed. I should have been the one she could talk to and help her work through what she was feeling and instead I made it worse. I'm the one that pushed her until she broke. I'm the one that did this to her.
