babysitter g.d

eighteen : i miss you, grayson

double update !! it's because it's new years, well, i'm a bit late, and y'all deserve another chapter for being such wonderful readers! wish i could hug each and everyone of you now xoxo

a week. a week had passed since dad had left our small family. i'm still not doing any better. i cried every day and i blamed myself for his death. whenever i saw a picture of dad, my heart hurts so much. as if someone stabbed me with a knife. some of the days, i kind of hoped that someone really does that to me.

my morning sickness is getting worse. but let's not talk about that.

i don't deserve to live in this world anymore. if i was already a bad daughter, when my baby is born, i will be a bad mother. come to think of it, i feel like i should just end my life. but i know that it's not a good way to solve things. if i'm gone, i'm not sure whether he will be happy because what i want is for him to be happy.

grayson told me at one point that i am the key that holds his happiness. if i'm gone, does that mean that i become the key that holds his sadness?

in front of me this past few days, he was smiling. but i know that deep down, it wasn't a real smile. he looked sad. i know that. it was because i ignored him. i didn't talk to him. he was there for me but i chose to let him be. all he want is for me to be happy again but how can i be happy when my dad just left?

benson had been staying at lisa's place for a week and i can't lie and say that i don't miss him. i do miss him very much, indeed. the things that he do can make me smile. he's a very friendly and cheerful child. if he's not present in my life, i don't know how i can be happy. grayson tried to make me smile but i couldn't find myself smiling. even if i force myself.

i don't know if i'm like this because of my pregnancy hormones or it's just me. maybe both.

grayson left the house and went out but didn't say where he was going. he didn't come into my room and night to sleep with me. i would always stand outside of his door, wanting to knock but i stopped myself.

i know that i shouldn't be stressing myself out. but i am. i know it's not good for the baby. i'm trying my best to be happy but i couldn't. if benson was here, he would know how to make me smile.

i know that it's rude of me to ignore grayson. i love him a whole lot but i'm scared that the same thing that happen to dad will happen to him. i'm scared that i will end up being a screw up to him too. i'm not perfect for him. i will never be.

after half an hour of just sitting on my bed, staring at the television that was playing reruns of supernatural, there was knock on my bedroom door. i stood up from my bed before walking towards the door. when i opened it, grayson was standing there, wearing just a sleeveless shirt and a pair of sweatpants.

"reffda, i made some food for us. let's go and have our dinner." he said softly.

i nodded my head. but i didn't know what i was doing. for the first time after the week dad left, i'm actually responding to grayson. he moved out of the way and let me walk first. i did but i waited for him. i turned around to see him closing my bedroom door. when he saw me waiting for him, a smile appeared on his face.

as we walked down the stairs, grayson linked our hands for the first time in days. i miss his touch. i felt slightly alive but still kind of dead and numb. when we walked into the dining room, i saw a few dishes on the dining table.

"i made all of this. so, please eat. you've only been eating a meal a day this whole week. i know that dan's death left you a strong impact. i keep telling you not to blame yourself but you didn't listen. you think about it more than you think of that baby that's growing in you. the baby needs some food too. if you don't want to eat for yourself, i won't force you anymore. eat for the baby." grayson said softly, looking into my eyes.