My Life and Other Sad Things

before you i was a beautiful garden

before you i was a beautiful garden who's flowers thought they were a pile of trash because my confidence was beaten out of me. i thought that i was a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe. i thought i was a wasted space who didn't even deserve to see his smile. i thought i was like a cup of coffee - my heart black and drank until i was empty.

after you i still feel that way. but with each day i remind myself that i am a garden. he trampled over my flowers and rooted me out of the ground until nothing was left until i was empty and to this day i am afraid of him and myself and who i became and the potential of who i could become. i still live in fear of his touch of his fired tongue and toxic soul. and i pity him because i wonder what happened to him to make him into that- to make his soul so dark and twisted that he believes that hurting people is the right thing to do as long as he's right than feelings don't matter that you don't matter all that matters is he is right

and how can i still love him? my soul cries for him because no one is all bad. he is a person he is like me and i love him and how can i love him and hate him and how can i think of him and everything he's done to me and smile and wish and hope that he is happy? how can i love him?

how can you know all this and all my heart and the betrayal of it all and hold me and tell me that you understand that it's okay that you will always love me? as each day passes the thoughts he planted in my head the thoughts he made me believe are still there. i root them out and choke them and each day they spread and spread like weeds - until i don't know what to do.

they affect how i am with you. my insecurities that have grown in my soul the ones i can't reach because i am infected with self hate. it twists and grinds and makes me scowl makes me want to die. yet you take it you take the yelling and you tell me that it's okay. and sometimes you yell back because the same hatred has infected your heart but after that we both tell each other that it's okay that we love one another and it's okay to be hurt it's okay to cry it's okay to not understand it's okay to feel everything that comes from emotions every emotion that makes us who we are. it's okay. and we hold each other across hundreds of miles with just our voices and mingling hearts.

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