My Life and Other Sad Things

Dear Hoodlum,

a/n: this one is going to be long and not a poem. last month liam and i were going through a hard time. liam had just started college and was feeling very insecure about where life was taking him and we were very seriously considering taking a break. it was really hard for me and i didnt really know how to express myself or how to handle the feeling of heartbreak that i was going through. so while this was happening i continued to write my memory poems for you and tried not to think about what was happening around me. one night at around midnight, i was feeling so sad and i wanted to do something fun that i would remember and tell stories about if we did end up taking a break and my poem book had to go in a completely different direction than what i was planning. i went to walmart and bought $130.00 worth of clothing for my boyfriend. and then when i got home i wrote a letter expressing all of my feelings. then a week later, after i edited the letter to as perfect as i could make it, i wrapped all the presents and shipped them to Ohio. A week later, my boyfriend opened the letter while we were talking on the phone and started to cry saying he was sorry and that he wanted me and nothing was going to change that. Here is that letter:

Dear Hoodlum,

I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know if we are going to break up or work it out. I thought being in a relationship with you would help us both to grow, but I don't know anymore. I am committed to you so I want to work things out. But... if you don't feel the same, I'll try to understand. If we take a break or break up... I want to still be with you somehow.

I know that you don't care if I buy you things. I try to understand that. But its not like me. I like wearing your jackets around town, because it reminds me that I have someone who will always be there for me. Who treasures me enough to let me have three of his jackets and a tshirt. I show love by giving things. I am always giving you my time, my effort. When I sit down to write poetry in my book, I am writing to you. I am always thinking of you. I buy you things because I want to be remembered, the way I always remember you. That's why I push for you to send me letters, gifts, and to call me a lot. I know I'm demanding, and I promise to work on that. I will try my best to get better at trusting you and God. I want to be someone you want to hear from. I want to make you happy.

I bought you all this stuff because if there's no way to fix our relationship, this is my last chance to give you anything. This is your birthday, christmas, valentines day, anniversary for possibly forever... I know its not enough, but I hope you won't return it. I left the reciept in case the one medium sized item (there wasnt a large) doesn't fit. I hope it does though, and besides, it wouldn't be too bad for you to where something a little tight on your bod every once in a while (at least i think so *wink wink*).

I'm not really buying these things for you though. I did this for me. I want a part of me to always be apart of you, even if its just what you're wearing. Whenever I see you wearing stuff I bought you it makes me feel good. Seeing you in clothes I bought makes me feel important. It makes me feel special. Also, please don't worry about how much money I spent on this. If we do decide to end things, this is going to help me find closure and acceptance. Knowing that I did this for you, that I did everything I could to try and prevent us from breaking up - it will really help me. It will comfort me that you'll have all of this stuff around you to comfort you. That you'll have this planner where you'll be able to go back and reread this letter anytime you need to. That hope is what will keep me going. I need this.

But I also bought these things just to express how important you are to me and to say thank you. Thank you for being my boyfriend. You are such a great boyfriend. I truly treasured you. You are so strong and independant. You really are my rolemodel and my bestfriend. You are brave and strong and when I'm with you, you make me feel like that too. If you chose to go, I truly hope you find what your looking for, because you deserve the best out there. Every guy I meet in the future, if we don't work out is going to have to live up to the expectation that you have set up for me. My life was changed for the better because of you. What you've done for me, giving me courage, confidence, and trust. That's truly amazing. Thank you.