I Want You Here When I Wake Up

27

Louis POV

Suddenly holding this envelope I was wide awake. My hands were shaky and my heart was beating out of my chest. I sat down where the letter had been. I looked at my phone for the first time in nearly two weeks.

7:53 AM

Friday, February 28th

14 missed calls

Oh shit. Harry had called me every single day since I left. I almost crushed my phone in between my hands. You've got to be kidding me. I rang him once but it went immediately to voicemail. When I came back in I realized I still held the envelope in my hand unopened. I generally peeled the envelope open and pulled out the contents.

Dear Louis,

Hi. It's been a while, hasn't it? I don't really know where to start with this but I've got so much to say. First and foremost I hate you right now. I have never hated you so much.

Do you know what my world turned to when I woke up in your bed without you? I thought you were in the kitchen or went for a morning kick around at the football fields. So I waited. I waited but you never came back through your own door.

I didn't want to worry because for the first time in weeks I slept okay. I actually slept. Maybe that was because I was close to you or maybe it was because I thought About taking you to the very place you're reading this. The hidden park. Either way, you had helped me. It was because of you I was okay for one night.

I thought I knew what pain was, I thought I was already going through the worst pain I would ever have to encounter. Oh, I was so, so, so wrong. I'll never forget the way my entire body failed me the instant I read your words. Even at my worst, I had never hurt so much. I couldn't even move, I stayed laying on the kitchen floor for days, I didn't eat or drink or even bother to move. Every night and every morning I watched the sunrise and fell through our living room window out of the corner of my eye. What was worse was the stars didn't shine anymore. The night was now darker than I ever thought it could get.

After a while, I got up, but I was still numb. I couldn't walk down the hall of our bedrooms. I stayed out in the living room, I didn't leave the apartment. I ate whatever old scraps of food we had left and didn't even bother to clean. I watched random tv shows because I couldn't bear to watch movies. Movies were our thing, I can't do it alone. I can't do any of this alone. I need you with me.

And that brings me to the second point of this letter. As much as I hate you. I love you so much more. I have always loved you. From the moment we met in the bathrooms. I may not have realized it until I was laying on the floor crying in my mother's arms wishing they were yours, but I love you, Louis William Tomlinson. I will love you till the end of time, my heart was made for loving you.

I really hope that it was you who picked up your green sweatshirt, I know it's unlikely it was anybody else since the whole two weeks that I've stalked this place no one else seems to wander in here. Please tell me that it's safe, it's my favorite one of your sweatshirts. As stupid and silly that this may sound I've used it as a way to feel close to you, to feel your presence when I'm scared or tired or upset or nervous, basically any emotion. Does it still smell like you? God is doing anything to just be able to experience you in person again.

Before I go too far down that road I owe you a thank you. I followed your advice, rather my mom followed your advice but your words made me go. I saw a doctor. I went to the hospital and I saw a doctor. And you wanna know the craziest thing? He told me he had a treatment option! and it's not just some lazy rounds of physical therapy or me sowing pain medicine! Well, first I guess I should tell you what Dr. Sheeran ( he's my doctor duh :) ) diagnosed me with. He said I ruptured my spinal disk from t3-t7 and I have hundreds of little fractures in my vertebrae which is basically a really dang way of saying my upper back is definitely messed up!