Never in a Million Years ✔️

92-Hi Coco

Hi Coco.

Fuck I don't even know how to start this. I don't know how to tell you how much I fucking hate myself for doing this to you. I don't know how to say that I'm sorry. My hand is shaking as I write to you why I'm leaving, and not coming back.

You are my best friend. My other half. My god damned soul mate. No matter what, we were there for each other . Even when we pissed each other off, which was more than we'd both probably like to admit, we still fought for each other. You are the boy I'd run to for anything, even before I realized I was falling for you, and I was the girl who talked to you when you felt like no one was there.

You were as much my home as I was yours.

We were supposed to be together for the rest of our lives, and I know that's naive of me to say, I know it's stupid and in a way childish. How could we know who we want to be with for a lifetime when we're as young as we are? How can I say such a think when there so little we've both experienced? But I just knew, and I think you did too.

But things change, fucked up shit happens and left us broken. I know for myself, beyond anything anyone but ourselves could repair. My heart hurts, my head aches and theres hasn't been a night where I haven't cried myself to sleep, despite what I've told anyone. Including you.

Everywhere I look in this damn town, I saw him.

I heard him laugh as we sat in our normal booth at Kane's for the first time after the accident. It's why I left almost  as soon as we showed up. I see him picking up our nieces or Julia or Kelsey when they're around, smiling and laughing with them. It's why I cry when I look at them. I see his truck crookedly parked on the curb in front of my house. It's why I just about yelled at Dallas to move his truck when he stopped by to see how we were all doing. I see him in my room. Sitting on my bed watching stupid movies with Em, Amy and I, eating a severely unhealthy amount of Oreos and ice cream. Laughing, teasing talking about boys...talking about you.

Even when I look at you, I find reminders of him. How inseparable you two were and always have been, how much he pushed for our relationship. How he never got himself a ticket to the Cubs game. Even in your eyes. They glimmer the same way his did.

That's to no fault of your own though, it's my own mind that conjures up these figments and reminders and damn near inescapable thoughts. But it's something that I just can't see anymore. I need to forget and I need to escape or else I won't survive.

Everyday I'm breaking. Everyday in that town I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into this hole, everyday I feel more and more suffocated by the memories, so I had to leave.

And I know I promised to say goodbye. Pinky promised actually. But I knew, one look at you and I'd stay. If I kissed you in the morning morning, hugged you, hell, just saw your sad face that you'd try and fail to cover with a smile, I'd give it all up and stay, so I left. Because as much as I love you, god, words can't describe how much I love you, I had to go to save myself and leave you to have what you deserve, someone so much better than the broken person I've become.

You deserve so much more than someone like me, and I know you'd disagree. If I told you this, you'd shake your head and tell me I'm dead wrong without any hesitation, but you don't see yourself the way I see you, the way everyone in our lives sees you. You're amazing. You're perfect actually, You'd lay your life down for the people you love without a second thought and You'd sacrifice your own sanity to help any one of us. You deserve someone who will be there for you mentally and emotionally, someone who has their shit together and someone who isn't a raging mess of unstable emotions. You deserve the fucking world Co.