Situation

Chapter 44: Broken Body and Soul

          "So why am I even here?" I ask, sitting next to Kurohana in a meadow full of night-blooming flowers, the moon nearly five times bigger than it should be. The girl shrugs, "How should I know? It's your dream."

Still confused, I continue, "Are you real?"

"Depends on what you mean. True, I'm a replica, but I'm still just a figment of your imagination."

"Then why did you tell me to read your diaries? They were sad, but I don't know how depressing song lyrics help anything."

Rolling her striking eyes, Kurohana sighs, "You are clueless, aren't you?"

"I'm not clueless, just confused," I protest, picking a flower and pulling off the petals one by one. He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not.

Running out of petals, I throw the stem into the weeds as the wolf-infused girl answers, "Fine, then I'll tell you another rhyme."

"No, not an―"

It was too late, her image dispersing into colored particles, and she sings, "Music and pain are one in the same. Sing pain to the one I shall not name."

Man, I hate her stupid riddles! Did Kurohana just tell me to sing a depressing song to Kanda? My head hurt.

The diaries were all read, but I only ever found poems and songs that made no sense. Like there was one that said, "Life is death and death is life. Which can be done with a knife?" Really, what the heck?!

Truly, they didn't speak to me that much, and it had already been three days since Kanda broke up with me. It was obvious that he was aggravated that Komui couldn't send him on a mission since none had come up. Plus, Lenalee was dragging me to this karaoke thing the Order was doing, though technically, everyone was being drug to it since if you were at Headquarters, it was mandatory to attend. Seemed stupid if you ask me, but I wasn't the only one.

As I lay in my bed, looking at the wall, I clutch the white button-up to my chest, the sweet smell of Moonlight Mist filling my nostrils like food coloring in water. Kanda didn't know that I'd stolen one of his shirts while he was gone, and I made sure he didn't, the fabric always securely hidden in my pillowcase when I wasn't holding it. From the darkness in the room, I knew it was before dawn, Kanda probably asleep below me as I clasp his shirt to my chest, oblivious to the pain I was in. No, he knew I was in pain, but he never talked to me, let alone show any concern.

Silently, I stuff the shirt into my pillowcase and slip from the bed, landing lightly on my feet before moving into the bathroom to cut, fully aware of the midnight gaze burning my back. How many times was I doing this in a day now? Three? I think that was about right. Hunger didn't bother me anymore, and the only reason I even ate at all was the baby.

By the time I leave the bathroom, fresh gauze covered by a turtleneck, the sun was rising, but Kanda still wasn't up, which I found weird. Shaking it off, I head to the cafeteria and force myself to eat the ten plates of food Jerry prepared for me, plus a smoothie. Of course, by the time I return to our room, Kanda and Mugen were gone, and I quietly curl up in Kanda's bed.

There's a ninety-nine percent chance that Kanda knew that I stayed in his bed during the day, but I think he couldn't care less, and if he did, he sure didn't let on to it. The karaoke thing started at five so I had seven hours, but I guess I needed to think of a song to sing. I mean, Kurohana said to sing my pain, and it would take thought because all my favorite songs involve death and stuff along those lines. If I sang any of those, my friends would get worried.

"What do I do, Mana?" I whisper in to Kanda's pillow, wet with fresh tears.

Never stop. Keep walking.