I Am Not My Skin [ UNDER EDITING ]

Chapter 5:

I still couldn't believe what had happened to Mrs. Brown, everything around I shut off. How do I tell Jamal when he wakes up that his loving grandmother was no longer there and that she is gone? I just wished everyone around me would leave me alone and let me breathe even if it was just for a few seconds. I locked myself in my bedroom and kept it so ever since I left the hospital earlier, Mrs. Brown's words were stuck freshly in my mind.

Why did she have so much faith in me? I feel trapped, so trapped, my mother kept on telling me ever since I was a little girl that it's a fight we will never be able to win and my father, well, he- I have no idea what my father's opinions are. He was such a closed book that even my mother couldn't figure him out and they are married for nearly thirty years now, and my siblings are all too young to understand. It's this feeling of being trapped, and with no way out. I felt like I couldn't breathe, it was as if I had just lost my very own grandmother.

Yes, that's what Mrs. Brown was to all of us. It hurts even worse knowing that I won't get to see her face anymore. I won't get to go over to just talk and running away from work as well as all the craziness going on at home or wherever. Jamal, how will he react to all of this once he finds out. I can't even imagine how this will affect him and how he will process everything.

I heard a knock on my door and did not open, I had no will or power to talk or much less see anyone. My little sister Maya who was now sixteen years old kept reminding me of the promise I made her, “A better tomorrow is coming.” She wanted me to stick by my promise, but how does one when all one does is see nothing but heartache all around? I have always doubted myself even when people tell me how great I'm doing. There were nights where I wanted to just shut off and silence all around.

I felt as though I couldn't go on, and with so many expecting so much from me I couldn't even find myself in the mist of it all. There was no way I could see past the pain. I needed to be strong because that is what is expected of me, Black women don't cry but what if the pain is far too deep and one cannot forget it? I hide everything so well under a smile and it's somewhat comforting. Drop for drop tears fell from my face, it's cold, so cold. Oh wait I've curled myself into a ball on the floor again, whenever I close my eyes. I could hear her scream. No, no, help her! Help her! She's just so small.

My wrists are nothing but layers and layers of contours and powders, I'm beginning to look like a dull rainbow. I blend them so well against the flesh of my skin that I can hardly see through, no Drew! Short sleeves reveals so much more, so much more that the soul cannot even disguise.

What do you see when you look into the mirror? They see a happy person, a strong person, a person who is always willing to help others. Who helps the one staring into the mirror? She is tired, everything is getting to her, and everything is slowly creeping back up. Help that little girl, save her Drew, only you can do so! She is screaming and no one seems to hear. Feel her pain and comfort her even in the dark. Did they know that she loves the silence of the night? The darkness became her happy place and all she wanted was to feel normal, to feel like the little girl matters.

The little girl cries inside my head, her heart is full of sorrow and pain and all she want in this world is to be loved. To feel free and to live out all those dreams she couldn't. If only I can protect that little girl.

I hear the sirens and I see the blue and red lights flashing by, who are they after now? What does peace truly mean when all you ever really know is violence. Defeat has a nice ring to it, I can't, I'm drowning and no one is here to save me, why is there no one around? Oh God! Lead me towards the light and maybe I, too will find the peace I have been longing for. This emptiness is eating away at my soul and I must escape the prison of my own mind. But how does one escape who one truly is? When all your mind does is drive you to a point of insanity? To places that scare you at just the thought of closing your eyes, and seeing what the future has in store for you. Does it end? No, it never does, it just goes on and on and on. Until, you don't have a foot to stand on anymore and all you can do is give up.

So many missed calls and texts on my phone and I did not feel like being bothered. I fear to switch on the television because I knew there was never any positive news on. It's a heartbreaking situation, imagine having children one day and having to explain to them why they aren't being accepted as they are just because they look different no, there is no such a thing. Your skin should not make the person who you are, you are not your skin and neither your hair, and neither should you let them tell you otherwise.

The next morning I woke up and felt the world on my shoulders. The little girl in the mirror who used to brush her hair for hours is no longer little. She is now a grown young woman, I can't help but blush whenever my mother points that out. I hate getting my hair wet and like most women. Well not most women, what all black women do I jump into the shower with a shower cap on, and avoid getting my hair wet.

It's a whole struggle to maintain it, I find it hilarious that I can spend hours on my hair alone instead of makeup; the other thing I hated. I always felt it made a woman insecure and she has to go and hide behind a mask, but that is only my opinion and I can also understand that it makes most women feel confident. Confidence is mainly hidden behind a smile and words. Do your power walk and hold your head up high and put on your crown, now that is what I call being confident.

As soon as I look at my wristwatch I realize I have a few minutes to spare. I can finally enjoy breakfast around the table with my entire family, listening to all the crazy stories they wouldn't mind sharing. My little brother Sam always had the most to say. His stories were always about cars and games, and I knew he was throwing shade for a brand new Play Station. But since his birthday was coming up, I figured why not spoil him and let him enjoy it even though I knew I would be making the biggest mistake of my life. His face will be glued to the television, and I'd later get an earful from my mother. It's actually a genuine plan to get him out of the streets. Only downside to this is he'll probably spend his free time looking at a screen all day long.

"Before I forget if you get the chance can you get those mini Chinese ham mooncakes from Brenda's Bakery. It's all the way over in Chinatown." I just smiled because I couldn't say no to my mother, and figured I'd drop by when I would be out on lunch. If only I can take my good friend and co-worker Eddy with me. How I wished he would teach me Chinese but I always tend to mix up the words and have officially given up on my quest. It's not as if I had ever gotten any far with my training. Learning new languages just isn't good for me or my poor soul.