I Am Not My Skin [ UNDER EDITING ]

Chapter 29:

I left the cemetery with a heart as heavy as concrete. My heart sank each time I think back to how I found Mrs. Brown laying helpless on the cold floor. I know I should have let it all go by now but it's something I will always have with me, but then I smile as I sat back and think of how Mrs. Brown was in all the years I have known her. She was a gentle and kind soul, she had a beautiful soul and she loved each and everyone. She always made us all feel safe and warm, she was the pillar of the entire community and she didn't think twice to take anyone in. The kitchen was now my quiet place other than my own bedroom, it's crazy, I know.

But how can we continue on this road when all we do is hate one another, drag down the other through the mud, and through the fire, all just so we could come out on top. To feel superior, to feel as though you own a person the same way you would to a house or a car. Do you see me as your possession? Do you think of me any less, do I even matter in this world? All these questions I sometimes find so hard to answer myself, will it get harder?

Will I be the next one to get killed? What of I walk down the streets, will they rape, kill or even burn me alive? Do I even have say in this world──or will I forever be silenced? Not only a black person, but as a woman? As a woman in a "man's world" can I not dominate, or should I stay home and look after the children instead? Waiting for my husband, my provider to return home from a long and hardworking day hand and foot, serving his every need, his every want and desire? No my dear, you are sorely mistaken. I Am Woman, and I can do everything a man can do in this world. Now that you can write down in your books. In fact, print it out in bold.

And every night when everyone was asleep, I go down the stairs and just sit in the dark and just listen to absolutely silence. It was calming, and to think that everyone else was already asleep. That was the best time I could think, at night.

I hate feeling sorry for myself because then I would feel like a failure. I feel as though I have betrayed everyone who was depending on me, and I hate whenever I put too much pressure on myself. And just the fact that I couldn't save Mrs. Brown, it made me question, why? Why is it always the ones we love the most that end up dying? Or─the ones ending up hurt. Why this much unnecessary violence? Why can't we come together and put all our differences aside, and just live. To live as normal as we possibly could, to live in harmony and to learn. To learn to love and to learn to understand.

And for a single moment I close my eyes and just feel everything around me, the silence was my calm in so many ways. I just could not explain this feeling, what I loved most, what I needed most and what set me free. I felt a light tap on my shoulders and a soft spoken voice that erupted above my being, she stood over my head and just smiled. "Hey baby, you don't have to tell me. It's my duty to know, you still not sleeping as you should? What has you so down, this is unlike you sweetheart."

I gazed at the soft white sunflower linen tablecloth. I can still remember very well when my mother brought it, that day she asked me to go with her to the supermarket and like a sport, I went. Shopping was never my thing, but somehow that day I just felt like going with her. It's almost as though something has been sending me to go with her, she spoke for the entire day and she told me of how her day went.

She told me of how she and my father met and how it felt for them to have their first born which was me of course, and each and everyday when I look at my parents I can see the love in their eyes and the feeling they had. It was a strong and incredible feeling just to see how they loved, how they shared, how they cried, how they argued and how they cared. It was a beautiful thing and at the end of the day, they always tell each other how grateful they were of the other.

I teared up and blinked back my tears, no, Anna-Drew, this was not the time, I smile, and promised myself to not cry tonight. "It's just this feeling inside of me mom. This feeling I cannot seem to shake, this feeling of emptiness and this feeling of pain. I fear, I fear deeply that what may come next. I fear losing myself and I cannot bear it, it's much deeper, so much deeper..." I had never been this open with my mother as I was now, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was done, drained and completely lost and just numb.

The day broke off with us going to church, my mother sat with me in the darkness of our kitchen and she just sat there, without saying a word. We just listened, listened to the silence and our thoughts and for that I thanked her. To just sit with me and not uttering a single word was powerful.

She embraced the thought and it gave her much more perspective of what the silence of the night can truly provide, it's the calm of it all. Johnny tagged along and he decided to visit my church, my family were big believers and there was no better place for us to spend a Sunday than to go to church and hear the wise words of the good Lord. My church was open and welcomed to everyone, Black, White, Coloured, Asian, Latino, everyone was welcomed with open arms.

There was no such a thing as colour in these four walls, we were all one big and happy family. Where all is welcome and loved, it's a warm feeling to know that I was in a place where I actually felt loved and appreciated. I could be myself and not worry of what anyone else may say or think. I could express myself and be confident and comfortable in my skin and who I truly am, This Is Home.

We had Johnny over for lunch after church and since he had to return home. Sam wanted us to go with him because Sam and Johnny's little brother were classmates and also best friends, who could really say no when he begged. He knew just how to ask and made one feel guilty for not taking him with. Mom agreed, something weird happened before we left, Sam hugged my mother tight and whispered softly into her ear. "This is not a goodbye, this is a see you later. I love you so much, Mommy." He waved and smiled as we walked off to the car, his smile was much brighter, almost as though there was a hidden message in between. A final goodbye. I could not believe my eyes, how much Sam has grown.

I couldn't help but smile as I saw the joy and excitement on Sam's face as he ran around and played with Johnny's little brother Charles, and for the first time he played like every other boy his age. He was away from the computer and away from the tv screen, this takes me back to when he was still just a little baby. I used to chase him and Maya around the house as we all played together. He was such a curious and adventurous little boy, filled with wonder and so much love in his eyes, my beautiful baby boy, my smile keeper.

"He is really happy." I whispered to myself.

Sam didn't go empty handed, Johnny's mother gave him a packet of biscuits and surprisingly, she was also obsessed with Brenda's wonderful treats. Sam took one from the packet and placed it in his pocket. He had this weird thing where he loved to eat biscuits from his pockets whenever we walked anywhere in the streets, and he always left crumbs behind which my mother would scold him for every time.

Sam wanted to grab some ice cream before we went home and with the car parked, the three of us were walking towards the entrance. I didn't notice there was a police car parked in the lot and much less there were officers nearby. I was so occupied talking with Johnny about how well the day went, and the next thing I will never forget, everything felt so slow and yet happened so fast. Sam struggled with his biscuit as he tried to remove it from his pocket. "Gun! He's got a gun." And the sounds that followed afterwards, Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! I covered my ears and my first instinct was to cover Sam, I wrapped my arms around him and felt nothing, nothing but air.

"Sa──no, no, no..." I saw Sam, my Sam, laying on the ground and covered in his own blood, they shot him. The biscuit he removed from his pocket fell next to him.

He has been shot.