I Am Not My Skin [ UNDER EDITING ]

Chapter 35:

My heart was overcame with joy, such a monster we don't need in this world, he deserved all that came to him and more. He deserved it, those were the tears of Mrs. Brown, Jamal, little Sam and so many others whom we don't know of. I felt it in my heart that Mrs. Brown and Sam were celebrating this victorious moment with us. Their deaths were not in vain, although it left a deep void in me, I felt so empty inside. I lost a big part of me that I never thought possible.

Everyone stood and waited outside, there were so many banners of nothing but positive messages, and it only made me realize yet again that Sam had so many people who cared for him. Who loved him and who adored him, and knowing that this is what we all did for him filled my being. My little brother could finally rest in peace, I watched how my mother beamed with the news and the satisfaction that finally, justice was served this time. I left them and walked off. I hadn't realized that I was being followed outside until I felt a light touch against my shoulder. When I turned around, it was Johnny and somehow he was always there. "Hey, you okay?" He asked.

I smiled and for one second as I thought how happy Sam must be right now. He was with the grandmother he never even knew. He would hear all the stories and share all the laughter and his love, he was in a much better place now, and although it hurts. He was safe and──no, I will never be able to accept this fact, I can't, it's just too painful for me to go on. Each and everyday that passes by I get reminded by that faithful night and what happened. I can feel myself crumbling and falling to the ground.

God, I just want to die.

A month went by and still, the same empty feeling had been consuming me. It has been eating away at my soul and there was nothing that I could do about it. It's the numbness that no one understands, everyone around me tells me the same thing and that it will all be all right and that I just have to remember all the good times we shared together. There is no way, I just can't do it.

I just can't.

I can feel myself slipping away and getting closer to the edge. There was nothing for me to hold onto anymore. I am drowning, literally. The water I could feel smothering me, I lay still without any movement, just allowing the water to cleanse this guilty feeling and wash away my sins. I can't do this any longer, I had a dream. A dream where I am running to Sam. He looked so peaceful, I could see his beautiful face. He looked like a true angel all dressed in white.

I am sinking even deeper than I had already been. My mind was clear and my conscious was at ease. Just let me get on the other side safe, and let me be with Sam, oh how I miss him so, so very much.

A voice that sounded so far off I can hear, it sounded from what I can only assume were miles away, my mind was a big blur. "Drew." It all sounded so unclear what followed next. I couldn't understand nor hear anything, but in my dreams I can see clearly, Sam came up to me and sat next to me on the warm sandy beach, "Don't worry about me Drew, I am happy where I am. Here I get to remain the same, and you, don't ever blame yourself for what happened that night. It's not your fault, go and be with mom, she needs you more than ever now. Live your life how you want to. Live boldly and never change who you have always been Drew. Be daring and dance in the rain like you always wanted to, but just know that, I will always be right here with you, in your heart, always. I love you so much Drew!"

I came to as I gasped for air. "Sam." I called, and that was the last thing I could remember from that morning. And when I opened my eyes, I was in a hospital bed, what was I doing there? The first person I saw was Johnny, and then the rest of my family, Jamal was also there.

"Good. You're awake," Dr. Nicholson smiled, oh my, back in a hospital bed again, the last time I was here I fainted due to stress. I guess this time was the same. "Don't worry, you are perfectly fine and so is the baby." Baby? Did I just hear him say baby or was I missing something here?

"Uh, baby? What baby, Dr. Nicholson?" I questioned. Johnny, my family as well as Jamal was as dumbfounded as I was. Dr. Nicholson just smiled and nods his head.

"Yes, Drew, you're 4 weeks pregnant," He said. "Congratulations." He added with a bright smile, glad to see someone's taking the news with a happy heart.

Oh my, a baby? Me? What am I going to do with a baby? Just a few minutes ago I tried to kill myself and now I find out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant. I gulped as I thought of it all, I had to take a minute to let it all sink in that I was carrying another human being inside of me.

With the news of me expecting, Johnny was thrilled, this was our chance at happiness. He was over the moon and already he wanted to start buying things for the baby; the very next evening Johnny and I were in his apartment cuddling on the couch when I could hear the first drop of rain on the roof.

I peeked outside and I could see it pouring rain, I smiled as I thought of Sam. "Be daring and dance in the rain like you always wanted to." Was what he said.

Johnny glanced at me and smiled with his hand stretched out towards me. "It's okay, we are allowed to dance in the pouring rain." He smiled and grabbed my hand and led me outside. I could feel the rain drops falling on top of my head. My hair was wet and it curled instantly, dampened and soaked in water, and my clothes drenched, but who cares? We both were happy and that night, we danced in each others arms and from that moment on, we held on tight and never letting go.

My mother went on with life and like always, she tried her best to cope. My father talked more and shared more with my mother. He was more open now then he always has been, he also acted a fool and knew of Maya and Jamal's secret relationship all along, and he accepted it and was all too happy with the news. He was excited for them even.

Jamal graduated and was accepted into Harvard. He opted for law and wanted to help those who wouldn't be able to help themselves. Maya was doing good in school and I couldn't be more proud, and in the end, Robert Connor got what he deserved. He was executed a few days ago, lethal injection.

Everyday I went to pay Mrs. Brown and Sam a visit, and now, that was my peace and my calm, to go and see them. I even shared my crazy stories with them, the hospital was still the same. As busy and crazy as always, but the feeling of a second home was always there, and as for Johnny and I. Well, he moved back to South Africa with me. A place where my heart has always been, how my heart longed for my hometown. I was going back to the Eastern Cape. I was going back home, back home to Queenstown.

THE BEAUTFUL FACE of my little one as he squealed in my arms, I did not want to let go, I just couldn't. We decided to name him Andrew Sam Adams, he was the greatest gift and he came at just the right time. He was what I called my miracle, my reason for breathing, my entire life, my smile keeper.