I Am Not My Skin [ UNDER EDITING ]

Chapter 13:

My heart shattered when I saw how they took Jamal in handcuffs and threw him in the back of the van. I felt no need to do anything after the beautiful service everyone made possible for Mrs. Brown, I cannot stand to eat anything knowing that Jamal was gone. He shouldn't have been robbed of this moment, he was already robbed when he didn't get to say his farewell to Mrs. Brown, his grandmother, the only mother he knew. I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do now but wait, and waiting only added to the stress. I felt obligated to take care of Jamal, he was now my responsibility and I would do anything and everything to help him.

Just to see him so broken and still being treated as though his voice did not matter. As if he had nothing to live for or if he was just another name to check off their so-called “justice” list. To be labeled as something you never were, something you have been for most of your life.

Would it be fair if the shoe was on the other foot? To have people look at you strange whenever you walk into a room and stopped and stared at you. To whisper how you were the “odd” one, the “dangerous” one, and even the “one to be watched” just so you don't steal any of their precious belongings.

Would it even make sense in the slightest knowing people judge you by the colour of your skin, and tell you who and what you are? Do you not think of me as human? Or is it that I am still that animal who would harm you once you let your guard down?

I went home and took a nap. I felt numb, Jamal was all I thought of, I wondered if he ate. If they are taking care of him or worse, if they didn't assault him again. How could they say he can't receive visitors, why should we go and see him the next day? Are they so childish as to keep him away from his people and all he knew? I kept wondering who this young girl who made those allegations was.

It's kind of hurtful that they aren't this much on the fence and high alert when a young woman of colour is assaulted. They take much longer to look into our cases, and the prized excuse always comes up, “There isn't sufficient evidence” . How in the world is that even possible? You go into a police station and you give your statement stating that you have clearly been raped, all the evidence is there, and still nothing? It's sad, so sad.

And when I think back on it, we don't really matter, nothing we do or say matters. Our sisters, aunts, nieces, cousins, grandmothers and even our mothers could be laying dead in the streets, bloodied and crying out for help and a blind eye would be turned, why? Is it because my skin is different from yours? Am I too dark or is it that I am too light? No, wait. It is my hair, right? No, it's my nose, not pointy and round enough? Is my hair not thin enough for you? Are my lips much fuller? That goes beyond your beauty standards, right?

Oh wait, I know. It's my buttocks, it is far too big and that is considered a shame, right? No, let me take you back. It is my skin. Yes, that is where my intelligence lay, my skin, the rest follows right after, in a world where you can't be accepted for who and what you are is the most saddest thing. I will not continue to fight a battle I did not start and much less over my pride, yes, this is what I call my beauty, my pride. My hair is my crown and I wear it like a queen, because that is who and what I am. A Queen.

I turned the knob on the radio, and I can hear as a broadcast came on, “There has been another shooting not far from a Starbucks branch and as seen in the footage making it's rounds on the internet, a group of youth boys and girls have protested and screaming “Equal Rights” a short and powerful message indeed. But soon officers came in and fired rubber bullets, and some of these youth members have been arrested and taken into─” I silenced the volume again, now that had me thinking, equal rights. They say these young minds have been shouting, in the shortness of those words it was powerful, so powerful.

Equal rights is what we all deserve in a world where there is nothing but white supremacy. Stealing our youth and freedom, if we can't fight for what we deserve and feel is right, will we pay for that with our blood? Is it so hard for me to stand up for what is right in a world where I should be silenced before my truth can be heard? Would you prefer I shut my mouth and sit well-behaved in a dark corner, and have me turn a blind eye as to all I can see happening right in front of me? No more songbirds and no more poetry, how long must I be silenced before my truth can be heard?

I had the tap run, filling the tub, each foot I let sink deep into the water, and I could see my naked body and how it became one with the water. I float in these God-given waters, water that bless the earth and quench the thirst, every drop precious, like a river floating in the calm of the wind, nothing but stealth and silence. Where you can bathe and clean yourself, rid yourself of all the sins, so pure and clean as that of an innocent souls mind. Become the mind of a child, so open and innocent to the world, no colour and no hate.

All they see is a person and love, love they spread around like wild fire, where the only thing that matters is that person they know and see. No shade but just a human being, one that bleeds the same as they do, pure and innocent. Let your mind elevate and become one with the innocent mind of a child and let love flow through your body, be kind and show no hate for you are nothing but flesh.

Freeing your mind from whatever weighs it down. Freeing your heart from whatever let it sunk, and to just hold on tight to the last bit of hope of knowing that tomorrow might be something different. To pray just so we could live to see another day.