I Am Not My Skin [ UNDER EDITING ]

Chapter 28:

The lovely rain hadn't fallen yet and grandma always used to tell me that it was a bad sign. I missed the fresh air and the scent of rain on the ground, hidden far and deep beneath the soil we so gratefully walk upon, but lately there was nothing but the blazing hot sun and the summertime heat. Not that I didn't love the sun, but I miss the rain most, to dip my toe in the streaming water. My bare feet feeling its cold wetness against my flesh and the feeling of it that came as a gift from above. Maya and Sam used to love playing in the rain, they still do even though they would hate to admit so themselves.

So pretty much I was the only one who openly admitted that I was still a kid at heart. While growing up I never had boys really on the mind as most teenagers my age did. I only cared about saving my dolls from “drowning” or even operating on them. It was such a delight whenever I did something good for them, and that is when I knew I wanted to help save people, and since then I dreamt of becoming a nurse. Mom wanted me to become a lawyer and dad just wanted me to do whatever just as long as I worked, and build something for myself. He always told me how important it was to be independent and never depending on any man for anything in this world, or even your parents. And now…now I understand why he wanted me to depend on myself. To grow and become my own person.

I faintly smiled as I stared out of my window and I could vaguely see as Jamal signaling me to open my window. His mouth moved and I could not hear a single sound, I feel so trapped in my thoughts, the tingling sensation caressing my hands. I could feel as the cold and strange sensation crept up to my wrists, the feeling It was as if I couldn't even hear or see him, or move.

I had no control over my body and mind. I was completely out of place with this world. this time my bedroom door opened. "Drew, hey…honey, Drew." I starled and nearly fell to the ground, I was shaking and could not remove my hand from my chest, I held so tight onto my shirt. "Jamal has been calling you and all you seem to do is daydream." My mother states, and snapped her fingers repeatedly.

I sighed as I glanced outside yet again, Jamal stood with his hands in the air. It was as if I couldn't even hear or see him, or move. I had no control over my body and mind, I was completely out of place with this world.

I watched as my mother opened my bedroom window and the first thing I could feel was the cool breeze softly brush against my bare arms. I felt silly when I hear Jamal asked. "What's going on Drew? I've been talking to myself over here for quite some time now, are you still coming with me or not?" I nod my head as I stared back at my mother, what was going on with me? I have never been in such a state of mind before and it was a scary thing to relive. I have never feared anything as much as I do in this moment, I was that afraid of my own mind and what it was capable of. I shivered at the thought.

"Yes, I will still be accompanying you Jamal. Just give me time to gather my thoughts and get myself ready." He left and went back inside the house, the house he now owned after the passing of Mrs. Brown. She left everything she owned for him and not that he had to ever worry. But she made sure of everything at the house and that was just up until he could one day get himself a decent job, and be the young and strong independent young man we all love and admire.

I can remember very well how happy Jamal was when he learned he was being set free, and how they could allow for such people to work on the force was beyond me, and they expect us to feel safe under their protection. I couldn't possibly.

I sat on the tip of my bed with a killer headache, lately I have been thinking a lot and I have re-evaluated a lot in my life. I was at ease that Sam was now the same happy little boy he has always been. I couldn't say the same for him and always playing his video games. I had the day off, Destiny offered to take over my shift because I wasn't feeling like my usual self ever since I woke this morning, there was a certain ache that clung to my chest, it was as though my heart has been set alight and there was nothing I could do but to just sit and wait──wait for this feeling to set me free and rid me of whatever might be wrong.

After I had gathered my thoughts and was now finally time for me to head out with Jamal. We made plans to go to the cemetery together and pay our beloved and dearest Mrs. Brown a visit, a much needed one I'd say. The hallway was quiet with Maya and Sam being away and going to town with my mother, and knowing Maya, there was always “A shirt too small or jeans” and Sam just went with whatever, as long as it was a new game system then all was peachy in his little world.

This is what my mother warned me of and I ignored it even though I knew it very well. There was nothing aside from basketball that made Sam as happy as video games did. He even had a weird nickname for himself, how these kids come up with all these thing was beyond me.

This was my first time here since the funeral of Mrs. Brown. Everyday I struggled to bring myself to her grave and accept the fact that she was now gone, there was still that little part in me that believed she was still alive and that she just went on a trip to be with family, and here it was, the day I dreaded most. Her final resting place of the gentle soul whom was now one of God's angels, Mrs. Brown, how did it ever turn out this way that she was nothing but a memory?

A memory that was still so fresh it would not leave the mind, she was at peace, I know she was, but it still hurts just as much. How can I get it over my heart to visit her each and everyday at a grave, and knowing that this was now her new home. I just couldn't, it will always be the hardest thing for me to do. I wasn't that strong, I still couldn't even believe that I had to say my last goodbye to her.

I could see the wide smile on Jamal's face, he smiled brightly and with so much joy, because he knew this was not a goodbye, it has never been. It has always been a see you later, and through it all. He still remained strong and continue to do so each and everyday, just the way Mrs. Brown would have wanted him to be, her gravestone was not something I would have wanted to look at not now, and maybe not ever. There was still a part of me that hoped, wished she would be on a holiday and would be back in 2 weeks.

Where I would wake and there she would be, and tell me that this was nothing but a nightmare. and that everything was okay. Just a sign, even if it's the smallest, I miss her everyday. . .

As I stood over the grave of Mrs. Brown I could feel it again, that cold and strange sensation crawling up my body and eating away at my soul. I felt so bare naked, violated and afraid. I could not move as I feel the cold musky breeze against the flesh on my arms, hair raising and spine chilling. It made me sick to my core, I was nothing but numb and afraid. If I could, I'd make this feeling disappear and not allow for it to control my being as it does now. I hated every bit of what I'm feeling right now.