I Am Not My Skin [ UNDER EDITING ]

Chapter 30:

Words could simply not describe my rage, hatred and pain, I held Sam so tight and close to my chest. There my little brother laid, my baby boy, the sweet boy whom I have practically raised. He now was laying on the ground with his tiny body filled with nothing but bullet holes. I could not focus, I vaguely heard as Johnny phoned the ambulance. He was shaking and his tone was unclear, and there it was. I saw it, I saw a glimpse of his gun and the only thing I could do in that moment was to grab it in my hands, there were now people who swarmed around us, the ice cream shack was empty, for the first time.

As empty as my heart was, this was the emptiness I felt. The numbness, the feeling of knowing something bad would happen every time I crossed the road. Every time I close my eyes. But never this, I have always prepared myself for the worse, this? This was not that, this is my baby, my blood. My Sam, my Sam was no more and no longer with us, I shut completely off. And never...never had I felt this much rage and hate all at once for another human being. Do I even call him that after taking about my little brother from me? Robbing him of another day, another sunset he would never get to see. Another day of rain, he will never be able to run as free as the wind outside, his laughter was suddenly silenced.

Just...gone.

Johnny startled as he felt his gun being pulled from him. It was in a split second that I realized his gun with tucked and hidden underneath his shirt and I grabbed it. I could see his face as clear as daylight, the same smirk he had when he dragged Jamal into the police van. The same smirk he had when he insulted me and the same smirk he had when he shot Sam. My mind would not accept it, it was far too painful and far too real, who shoots an innocent 12-year-old that grabbed a biscuit from his pocket? What child carries a gun around with them?

I felt nothing but anger, anger to kill, this man holding the gun in his hands still was the man who killed my little brother, my own flesh and blood. "Hey! So you think it makes you a big man to kill an innocent little boy? And don't you fucking tell me he had a gun because that's bullshit," I held the gun a few inches from his head. I just couldn't take it anymore, I was ready to break down. "You killed an innocent soul. Alittle boy, you──you killed my little brother." I could not recall, but I heard the gun cock, and my finger on the trigger.

I was about to shoot this man in the head. I was ready to end his life at any cost because he just robbed my little brother of his. The pain of never being able to see him, to have those tiny arms wrapped around me, and to hear him teasing me and Maya just because. To hear him complain because he lost at one of his games, I will never hear that, I will never hear him laughing because Maya and I tripping over something and landing on our behind and even our faces.

I want him back, now! Please, bring him back to me.

"Wha──what are you waiting for? Go ahead, there are so many witnesses around who can see you. Go right ahead and shoot me, come on black girl, shoot me. We all here knew that it was in self-defense, it was either me or your little brother." His tone was shaky as he took tiny steps forward, and the nerve he had to defend his argument was sickening, self-defense? From what? From a biscuit? Will this be a normal thing whenever a young black man takes anything from their pockets? Will their lives also mean nothing and will they also have to pay with their lives? Is this our new normal and how things will be from now on?

How could he? He had no right to, no right to play God and decide who gets to live and who gets to die.

"Shut up! Self-defense? Self-defense?! What kind of a mother do you think would give her 12-year-old boy a gun to walk in the streets? Is that your argument every time you take a life, that they were carrying a gun?" He moved closer, each step he took. He was now with his head against the gun.

"Go ahead and shoot me." He said, I don't know why. But, it was as if he was challenging me to do it. Pressuring me, even mocking me because no matter how much I tried, I couldn't. I just couldn't kill him, I don't why but I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt Sam. For him to feel the same pain Sam felt as he was lying there.

My forefinger was on the trigger, I could feel the cold touch of the gun, "No, Drew, don't. Don't do it, don't give him the satisfaction that he has won. You are not a murderer, don't do it. Just look at what this monster has done to your little brother and now the only thing you must do is fight, fight Drew. For your little brother, don't stoop to this pig's level as to take a life. Don't Drew, you are far too better than this low-life." I couldn't, I just couldn't no matter how hard I try to pull the trigger, I just couldn't. I fainted, falling back into the arms of Johnny. His gun fell next to me on the ground, it has just sunk in, Sam was no more.

It felt like a dream, just hours ago we were enjoying ourselves. He was playing and running around like the happy boy he always was, and now──now he was just not there anymore. Who knew in the blink of an eye you could lose everything you hold dear and close to your heart. Just like that, everything could change.

Hours later, I woke up in a quiet house, when I got in the living room, I saw my family all gathering around the couch. Johnny was there as well and the only person I could see was my mother, I hugged her tight and just wept. I let it all out, this ache inside my heart was far too deep and I could not bear it any longer. "Mom." I had a terrible nightmare, but when I woke, it all came to life, Sam was really gone.

Nothing feels the same anymore, the house was far too quiet, there was no more happiness and no more laughter. A place once filled with love and light was now nothing but sorrow and darkness. I had no recollection of how I got home or what happened after I fainted, the only thing that was burning through my soul was Sam. My happy little Sam is gone, his existence from this earth has been stolen from him, he was robbed of his life. I will never get to see him grow into a respectable young man, Never.

The entire house was quiet, there was nothing but shock and disbelief that swept the air. I felt for my mother and all she must be going through, this brings back so many painful memories. History repeating itself.

"Oh, hold a light out for me, I cannot believe today would be our last. Know that this isn't goodbye, it's a see you later and I thank the Lord that your smile has helped me through it all. Your light shall shine. A brighter star, and God has another angel tonight, I will hold you close to my heart and know that every time I do, I feel you near. There will be a day when I get to see your lovely smile, and that all this hurt will disappear. I can't breathe cause it hurts still, heal my heart and take this pain──I will carry a torch for you, and it shall not burn out, because tonight, you are brighter than the sun."

We all could hear the singing from outside. When I got close enough to the window, I saw nothing but flashlights in the air, everyone in the neighbourhood came in support for Sam. Everyone we know and love was here tonight, they all came to remember him.