For What It's Worth

Chapter Thirty Seven : Lovesick

L O V E S I C K

Isabelle

I didn't think my reflection would ever look like this again. I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror, the swelling on my face has pretty much gone down. My skin is left with a few cuts and grazes. My body doesn't hurt as much but it still twinges when I catch it at an awkward angle. Bruises still stain my skin but I'm in a considerably lot better condition that I was before.

It's been a whole week since I came back. I've not been anywhere but the apartment. I've not seen anyone except for Thomas. It's been an awful, dragged out week. The longest week of my life. I feel alone, quite literally because of the lack of any physical affection I've had. I feel uncomfortable and I've been in so much pain that I couldn't bear the idea of being touched at all.

I feel alone mentally even though I know everyone is trying to support me, despite how difficult I'm making it. Especially for Thomas. It makes me feel so guilty but I'm struggling to find a way to get around it. I'd finally got to the shallow end but now I've been throw straight back into deep, uncharted waters.

I sigh and finally look away from the girl staring back at me.

**

"Isabelle? Are you with me?" I blink myself out of the trance I'd fallen into. Sat across from an older woman with a kind gentle face and frizzy dark hair, she smiles to me. Janet, a therapist that I was encouraged to speak to by David Wayne's team to get an overall evaluation on the case.

"I said... I think you're suffering with PTSD. Do you know what that is?"

"Post-traumatic stress disorder?" I answer.

"That's right. From what we've spoken about, you're not sleeping, you're on edge, you're desperate to avoid people and places. You seem to have taken a lot of the guilt and blame onto yourself. These are all symptoms." I nod along with her.

"I want to put you on a treatment plan so you can manage your symptoms and triggers. Does that sound like something you'd want to do?" I think it over.

"Yeah. I'm willing to try that."

"Great. Well, we'll conclude this session here, I think." She stands up with her notes. "I'll be in touch and if you need anything at all please call me. Anytime." She adds.

"Thank you." I give her a smile. Janet holds out her hand to shake. I stare at it for a moment, unsure. Janet lowers her voice.

"It's easier said than done but the longer you avoid it, the harder it's going to be to overcome." I know she's right. Of course she's right, she knows what she's talking about. I give her a nod and take her hand in mine, shaking it.

**

It's the next night and yet again I'm curled up on the opposite side of the bed, shielding myself away from Thomas. We went to sleep ages ago, I have no idea how much time has passed since. My mind is too busy circling around and around, endlessly thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time.

There's a slight movement underneath the sheets and I freeze up, unsure if Thomas is still asleep or not.

"Are you still awake?" His raspy voice gently coaxes it's way through the silence of the room.

I am but I don't want to say anything because I know if I do, he'll want to stay awake with me until I sleep and I'd rather him get some rest. He leans up to check and I relax my closed eyes, pretending to be fully asleep. My lips part and I let out long, steady breaths.

He settles down into his space, on his back. He lets out a sigh and even though I can't see him, I can sense him thinking, his mind ticking.

"You did a really stupid thing." He starts. I crease my face up in a frown before realising that he's doing. "Something I'm really struggling to get over even though you did it for the right reasons." It goes silent. For me, it awkward but for him it's like any other ordinary pause in conversation.