Station 19 Marina

Chapter 31: break my heart

Maya's POV:

Going back to work was quite an easy adjustment. I miss Carina but moving her in with me has given me more time to see her. All of her things were finally put away at my house and her lease ended. Today has been a slow day at work and we were working out in the gym to pass the time.

"Hey Cap. Are you coming over tonight?" Vic asked.
"What's tonight?" I asked lifting weights.

She came over to spot me and continued the conversation.
"Andy and I want to do girls night. I thought she told you."
"Nope, but I'm game to come! Do you want a bigger girls night or just the 3 of us."
"Yes you can invite carina. Her friends from Grey Sloan could come too. We plan to drink and play games."
"Alright I'll call her."

I had finished up my workout and decided to call her so she could invite her friends. I thought FaceTime would be a good option.

"Ciao Bambi a!" She said taking off surgical gear.
"Perfect timing, I just got out of surgery."
"Good! Did everything go well?"
"Si, the mama is healthy and recovering. The bambino is as well."
"That's good to hear! I wanted to ask you a question. And see your beautiful face for a minute."

I could tell she blushed slightly but smiled.
"I love to see you as well bella. What did you need?"
"Andy and Vic are having game night, do you want to go?"
"Are you going?"
"Yes, I told them I would."
"Then of course, I'll go anywhere with you."

Now im blushing.
"I'm glad. Do you want to invite your friends from the hospital? Girls only tonight."
"Si, I'll invite some. Where are we going?"
"To Andy and Vic's apartment."
"What time?"
"We're off at 6 tonight, so I'll go from here."
"I'm off at 5. Can I come to you at the station and go from there?"
"Of course. How is your day babe?"

"It's good, better now seeing you."
The klaxon sounded and I groaned.
"Be safe Bambina, I love you."
"Love you too."
"Text me when you're back."
"Always."

Once we were back I was covered in soot and feeing so gross. I walked into the building and Ben was sitting at the front desk talking to Carina. I went up to her and she looked at me fiercely.

"Hey baby."
"Hi."

She took my arm and pulled me into the captains office and paced back and forth.
"Is everything okay?"
"No."
"What's wrong? Why are you upset?"
"You went into the building?" She asked annoyed looking down at me covered in ash.
"Yeah, Travis was trapped so Andy and I had to work together and it was all hands helping."

She just nodded and kept pacing. I sat down on the desk and just waited.
"I. I waited for your text."
"I just got back, it was a longer call than expected. I was going to call but you were already here."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"I'm trying to not be angry at you."

I sighed, "are you angry or were you scared babe?"
"Don't babe me right now." She snapped.
I walked over and stopped her pacing.
"I'm okay. I wish I could tell you during a call that I'm okay but I can't. My team though makes sure I'm safe. I make sure they're safe. We are good at our jobs."
"I know."

I wrapped my arms around her and she just stood there.
"What can I do to make it easier for you?"
"I don't know."
I heard her voice break and her fall into me. I held her closely and whispered into her ear gently.
"Baby I'm so sorry this hurts you so much. I will always come back to you, I'll always fight to come back to you."
"Promise?"
"Yes, now will you hug me back?"

She wrapped her arms around me and sighed contently. Finally. I nuzzled my face into her neck and breathed in her perfume.

"You are very sweaty. And gross."
"I love you too." I laughed.
"Everyone is showering now but do you want to hang out in here while I clean up?"
"Si, I need to call my mama anyways."
"Are you okay now?"
"As much as I can be. I respect your job and the duties needed but I hate when you are in danger."
"Im truly sorry how it affects you. I am in danger less being captain, and If I was promoted to fire chief I would never go in really."

"Really? How do we get you promoted?"
I couldn't help but laugh.
"It will take some time, he will probably retire in a few years. So we just need to be patient."
"Fine. Go shower."
"Can I get my kiss now?"
"You need to shower."
"I will, but I want my kiss."
"Bambina."

I pulled her close and she tried to pull away.
"Okay." I sighed and went to shower.

Carina's POV:

I'm still mad at Maya and I know it's not her fault. I could tell I hurt her by not kissing her but I needed some space. I don't mean to be like this but I'm incredibly emotional. Maybe I'm starting my period soon. I'm usually better at this.

I heard the shower turn off and knew she would notice that I've been crying. Maybe I can't do this. Maybe dating her is too difficult to handle.

She walks into her captains bedroom with just a towel on and drying her hair.
"Now can I get my kiss?" She said timidly.
"Si, come here Bambina."
I kissed her gently and pulled her close to me.
"Baby have you been crying?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I don't know if I can do this anymore."

She stepped back and I couldn't bear to look at her right now.
"What? Carina. Why?"
"Your job, I can't feel like this."
"Bambina, I don't know what I can do to fix this. I love you. I need you. Please don't do this."
"I love you, more than anything. But I can't feel this way all the time. It's breaking me."

She stepped toward me.
"I'll do anything baby, please." I could hear her voice breaking.
"Maya."
"I can't loose you. That will break me."

I took a step to leave.
"So is this it? We break up over my job? Please don't do this."
"I just need some space."
"So..."
"So we aren't breaking up, but I need time to think."
"Away from me."
"Si, alone."

I could feel myself about to completely fall apart. I didn't expect this. I didn't come here with this in mind. I just can't handle this pain.

"I understand."
I leave before I fall apart and before she does as well. I walk quickly out.

Andy stops me while I was leaving.
"Hey, see you- are you okay?"
"I can't, I'm sorry." She pulls me into a hug.
"What did Maya do?"
"Nothing, I'm the one who hurt her."
"What? Carina. What happened?"
"You should go comfort your best friend."
"You're my friend too. Talk to me."

"I have to go, I'm sorry."

I went back to the hospital and went to Miranda's office. I knocked and heard her say to come in. I walked in and Miranda instantly walked over seeing the state I was in.
"What happened?" She asked very concerned.
"Maya-."
"Is she hurt? Is she here?"
"No. We broke up. Well I broke up with her. Not technically but I need space."
"Okay. Sit down, tell me what happened."

I sat down and she made some tea and handed me a cup.
"Her job. I can't handle not knowing if she's okay."
"I understand. This isn't for the feint of heart."
"I love her, I really do. But I hate not knowing if she will be okay every time she goes to work. The anxiety of it is impossible.
"Okay, so you're willing to lose her completely because of this."
"I-"
"Because the way I see it is that Ben works a scary job. And I left him for a while because of it. I'll tell you it doesn't fix it. That pain in your heart, well it turns into a hole. The love you get from her and feel for her make it possible to bear the pain that comes with her job. She will still run into burning buildings, but now you'll never know if she's okay. You'll see her here some and wonder about her and never get to know."

I begin to realize what I've done.
"I can't believe I've been so stupid."
"You're acting on emotion, I did it too. But you can't let her go because of this. It won't fix it. Counseling, talking to her, our support group. Those help."

"I have to go find her."