A Window To A Soul

Chapter 44: Cal

It was the middle of the night. Della and I couldn't fall asleep. Maya was on the bed, lightly snoring. I was laying on the pallet that I made next to the couch. Della was laying silently on the couch, obviously not asleep.

I didn't say anything, instead, I just reached up and grabbed my hand. She held mine when she felt it. I smiled. We stayed like that for a little while, knowing that it was one of few of the happy moments we would have left.

I knew that a lot of lives were lost. But maybe that's what the price is to create a good world. But then again, maybe we won't survive at all. I closed my eyes. I should stop thinking about that. I heard a whisper above me. "Cal?"

I opened my eyes and looked at Della. She wasn't looking at me. She was looking at the ceiling. "Yeah?" I whispered back.

It took a second for her to answer. "What do you think that world will be like if we succeed?"

I didn't know. I had thought about it many times before. I opened my mouth to respond. "Mysterious. Scary. Dangerous... Wonderful."

She giggled. "I hope so."

I sat up to where my face was where her own was. She looked at me before smiling. I took the hand that she was holding and moved it to my lips. I kissed the knuckles and smiled at her. She giggled again. "You're so cute, Cal."

I smiled wider. She was beautiful when she smiled. I leaned closer to her face and planted a kiss on the tip of her nose. I leaned back and saw her blushing. I laid back down and looked at the ceiling, my hands now on my stomach.

Della turned onto her side and looked down at me. I looked back at her. She smiled and whispered to me again. "I remember what you were like when you were a kid. I remember seeing you always happy. It's like you're back to that now."

I looked at her with hope. "Is that a good thing?" I was always so afraid to show emotion. I was so afraid that I would be punished again. I stopped myself from feeling anything. So to hear her say that made me feel all sorts of things.

Della nodded. "Yeah. It's perfect."

My eyes widened a bit. I looked back at the ceiling, thinking about what she said. It was good. I was allowed to feel this way. But why? Why was I able to be happy now, when I was punished so harshly for wanting to be happy back then. Why was it okay now?

Della got off of the couch and onto the pallet next to me. She laid down and rested her head on my chest. I moved my arm to wrap around her. I felt myself blush. It was weird. It finally started to sink in. This was actually happening. I was actually happy. I actually had someone to love.

When I was younger, I thought that this wasn't possible. Most of the bodyguards give up on love since they never leave their Great One's side. And of course, I never thought that I would fall in love with my Great One. It's nice though.

And it's even better to know that she loves me back. I held her tighter. I turned my head and kissed her on the top of her head. She snuggled into my side even more. A giddy smile found its way to my lips. I felt so immature. But I loved it. I loved this feeling of love.

I looked back at the ceiling. It was such a weird thing to think about. How did I get here? I never thought that I would even be happy after my punishment. It scared me into abandoning any emotion I used to feel. How did I get to this now?

How did I end up fighting for what I believed in when I was young, for what I was so badly punished for. How did I get the courage?

I could hear Della start to lightly snore. I smiled a bit. It was nice. I looked around the small house. I would have loved this when I was younger. This was my dream. I didn't care that it would be low rank. I didn't care that I would eat bad food, and be alone forever. I wanted this. And... I still do.

I looked back at the ceiling. What do I do if we survive? How would I live? If I could choose to do anything, what would I do? I want to be a farmer. But I can't. Even though I would physically be able to, I wouldn't be able to get myself to do it. It would be like I'm bound to the chains of society. Like I was held back by the demons of my past. How was I supposed to get past that?

Every time that I try to think of myself living my dream, I'm back in that room, whipping myself, malnourished, numb. I am in that room, regretting everything that I wished for before. And then when I come to my senses, I'm alone. I remember that I'm not meant for that life. I know that I was only made for one thing. I was made for one person.

I would never be able to live my dream, tend to nature, grow plants and crops. Even if it's possible in the future, even if we succeed, I have too many scars. I have too many reminders. And I don't want to be reminded anymore. But at least I have something. I have Della.