A Window To A Soul

Chapter 47: Cal

Della and I were left alone when Maya had to go to the neighbor's house. I decided to take a nap, but I couldn't fall asleep. Della had no problem falling asleep, though. She was lying on the couch. She had been so tired lately. I knew that she was hiding it.

Della didn't want me to know that she was barely sleeping. Every time that she tried going to sleep, she would wake up quickly, and she wasn't aware of it, but it seemed like every time she went to a different dimension, or experienced someone else's memory, she wasn't actually sleeping. She didn't actually get the rest she needed.

I sat up, giving up on trying to fall asleep, and looked at Della. I sighed and turned so my back was against the couch, and Della's face was to my right. I looked forward at the rest of the room. Why did I want this so much?

I looked at my hands. I remembered the rough feeling of the whip's handle. I could still feel it in my hands. I felt my heart speeding up as I pictured the room. That room that I was in every time I had a nightmare. That room that I lived in for a month. It felt so much longer than a month.

I put my hand against my heart, trying to slow it. But to no avail, it didn't work. I didn't really expect it to. I curled up my legs and hugged my knees. I put my face in my legs and tried to calm myself down. But my breathing just got faster.

I could hear the whip cracking. I could feel it ripping my shirt. All of a sudden I was back in the room. I was back to whipping myself for food. I was back to sitting in my blood. The bitter taste of my urine, still on my tongue. The tears dried on my face. The scent of human feces filling the room.

The white walls consumed me, getting smaller and smaller. I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream, but I knew that it would only get worse.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jolted, muscles tightening. I reached out and grabbed the person's arm, ready to attack them before I came back to my senses. It was Maya. I stared at her in shock. She stared back with worry.

I let go of her arm quickly and looked at my hand. What was I doing? I looked back at Maya. She had seen that. No one ever saw my panic attacks. Maya got to eye level with me. She spoke in a soft, calm voice. "Cal."

I felt tears in my eyes. I closed my mouth and started breathing through my nose. I looked down at my knees. "I'm sorry." I hated showing weakness in front of people. I was always punished for it when I was younger.

Maya put her hand back on her shoulder and I looked up at her. She was smiling comfortingly. "It's okay, Cal." She stood up and turned around, motioning for me to follow her. "Come on. Let's go talk."

I got up and glanced back at Della. She was still sleeping. I turned back to Maya and followed her outside. We both walked silently for a long distance. The house wasn't in view when we stopped.

Maya had brought me to a pond. It was surrounded by trees. The pond was medium size and there was a log that Maya sat on. She was probably the one who put it there. She patted the spot next to her and I walked up to her and sat.

She smiled at the pond. There was a fish that jumped out of the water and landed back into the pond with a small splash. The only sound was the sound of nature. It was so beautiful and so nice.

I looked back at Maya, confused at why she brought me here. She looked back at me with a smile before slipping off her shoes and dipping her feet into the water that was right in front of us.

I watched her silently. She moved her feet back and forth with ripples following. "I love this pond. Ever since I turned 20, I've been coming here every day. It helped calm me, especially after I lost the one that I loved."

I looked at her, eyes more wide now. She looked back at me, and this time she was smiling sorrowfully. "His name was Albert. We had a secret relationship. He had red eyes." She looked back down at the water. "He was executed when it was found out that he was seeing someone of low rank. They never found me, though."

She wiped a tear from her eye. "I told myself that I wouldn't cry about it. He hated when I cried. But if I did, he would comfort me. It was such an amazing relationship."

I heard a branch crack. I looked across the pond. There, I saw a deer eating something off the ground. My eyes widened. It was beautiful. I never saw wild animals. Actually, I've never seen an animal in person before other than fish, bugs, and rodents.

I glanced back at Maya and she was calmly smiling at it. It surprised me that she wasn't as mesmerized as I was. But then a branch broke off a tree and the deer ran away.

I sighed in disappointment. Maya laughed softly. "It's okay. When I come out here, I always see all kinds of animals."

I looked back down at her feet in the water. I smiled as I felt all of the pressures that I was feeling before sinking away. I slipped off my own shoes and put my feet into the water.