Sometimes Love Is Not Enough

Chapter 02

Khushi

A cold breeze wrapped around me as I looked up at the sky full of stars as they glittered.
 
Ma... Baba... Why did you leave me? Were you also unhappy with me?... Was I truly that bad?... Did I destroy your happiness as well? Like I did to Di. And everyone in this house.
 
It's all my fault. From day one, it's been my fault. I shouldn't have gone to the Shish Mehel. I shouldn't have come to Delhi. I shouldn't have applied for the job. I shouldn't have done anything I did. But most importantly, I shouldn't have met Arnav Ji. I shouldn't have.
 
I know I'm at fault. I know it's all my mistake. But... how can he say it's still a contract marriage? How can he blackmail me with Jiji? I... I had thought he had changed. I had thought he meant it when he said he... he loved me. Was it all a lie? Was our marriage never real? Was it really just a contract?... All of it?
 
I looked back at the sky and took a deep breath so my tears wouldn't fall. What do I do now, Ma? I never, in my whole life, felt this helpless. Never.
 
I could still hear his words ringing clearly in my ears. How did he even say that? Why can't he just punish me for my mistakes? Why did he have to involve Jiji in this? Why can't he never care for anyone but his family? Why can't he see how much it's killing me? How much it's hurting me.
 
I sniffed through my tears, trying my best not to make a sound because Arnav Ji was in the room. And I don't want him to hear me. I don't want him to see me crying. I don't want him anywhere near me. I don't even want to be in the same room as him. But I can't do anything about it. No matter how much it hurts.
 
It's killing me from the inside that he said all those things. And it's hurting more than the wedding night. Because at that time, I.... wasn't in love with him. But today... I am. And I felt like someone had ripped my heart off my body when he said that he wished he had never met me. That none of this would've ever happened if not for me. That Shyam ji wouldn't have done any of this if I weren't here.
 
Why Devi Maiya? Why are you punishing me this much? What did I do so wrong that I have to be the reason why Jiji can't be happy with the one she loves? Why did I have to be the reason Di is hurting? Why did I have to be the reason Arnav Ji is hurting? Why? Why me?
 
I wrapped my arms around me because I knew how badly I wanted a hug. Jiji would've always hugged me if I was ever sad. But no one in this house will do that... Not even Jiji now. And I know I deserved all of it. Every bit of their hate.
 
I dried my tears off, turned to the room, and saw him standing near the bed with a file in hand. But I didn't look at his face as I brushed past him into the bathroom and locked myself in. Maybe it was fear, or anger, or something I wasn't familiar with, but whatever it was, it had resulted in pushing me away from him. And it was entirely my fault.

                                                *

I did my aarti, prepared the taali again, placed it where Nani ji always keeps it, like every other morning, and went back to the kitchen to check the breakfast preparations before anyone woke up. Especially, Di.
 
"Bitiya..." Nani Ji called from behind as I turned the gas off.
 
"Ji, Nani ji?" I answered as I touched her feet for blessings.
 
"Why are you up so early nowadays? Is everything alright?" She asked me as she patted my head.
 
"Everything is fine. It's just.... Arnav ji went jogging, so I thought of preparing breakfast." I wrapped my dupatta around my shoulders and covered my hands inside it.
 
"Why are you wearing your dupatta like this?" She asked as a V formed between her eyebrows.
 
"I was just feeling cold." I said it softly.
 
She nodded and smiled weakly, then said, "Come for the aarti in 5 minutes, okay?"
 
I swallowed dryly and stopped her by gently taking her hands in mine. Because I wasn't sure how upset she was with me yesterday. I had expected her to avoid me like everyone else. But she didn't.
 
"Nani ji... I think you should ask Di to come down for the aarti today."
 
"But..." She looked at me with tenderness in her eyes, but I looked down at our hands and closed my eyes for a second before looking up.
 
"Don't worry. I'll be in my room. She won't even know I'm here." I assured her. "And I made alu puri for everyone. Just like you taught me. Can you please make Di eat that?"
 
"And you?" Nani Ji asked as concern laced both her eyes and face. Even after the things I've done to her granddaughter, she's still worried about me. Even after yesterday. Even after everything.
 
"Don't worry about me, Nani ji. I'll be fine. You just... take care of Di." I said that and gave her a smile. "And... please don't tell anyone I made this."
 
She nodded sadly and touched my cheeks before leaving.
 
I gave everything one last check, asked Hariprakash Ji to set the table, and requested not tell anyone that I had made breakfast. Because then no one will eat it.
 
I hurried upstairs as I checked the time because it was almost time for everyone to come downstairs and Arnav ji would be home anytime now. The last thing I want is to ruin everyone's mood with my presence.
 
I was folding the duvet when the bedroom door behind me opened and closed. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt him. I took a deep breath, calmed myself down from all the emotions, and returned to my work. As I continued fixing the bed without looking at him, he went to the bathroom, and I sighed. Now all I have to do is find a way to be far away from him. As far as possible.