Broken

Shattered

It's not that easy to erase.
It's something I will live with everyday.
Trying to pretend I'm not always in pain.
But I still remember feeling a piece of my heart break that day.
I wish I didn't have to feel this way.
I don't know why I still torture myself.
But I don't think I'll ever be the same.
I made my bed and now I'll always have to lie in it.
It's not like I can just forget it.
And I'll spend the rest of my life regretting it.
Everything reminds me of it.
It took me a long time to be able to admit to myself what I did.
It didn't seem real at the time.
I didn't even know how long it really went on.
I'd like to blame all of my mistakes on my pain and state of mind.
But deep down I know that won't work this time.
I never fucked up so bad in my life.
I didn't even know I had that kind of capability in my mind.
But I was too broken to see what was right.
And it kills me to know that I did this to myself.
What hurts even more is that the truth was right there and I couldn't tell.
I couldn't let myself see what was right in front of me.
I took it to another level,
I didn't even see it coming until I entered hell and met the devil.
I did something that goes against everything I believe in.
I'll never understand how I completely misread the cause of my pain and what I was feeling.
I just refused to see it.
Now the shame will never go away.
It's not something that will heal with time.
It goes much deeper than wrong from right.
It's permanently burned in the back of my mind.
And I can still feel myself
breaking my own heart that night.
It's not that easy to erase
It's something I will live with everyday.