Broken

Blame

All this time I've been blaming you.
Putting all of my scars in your hands.
Expecting you to understand what I was going through.
I've caused you guilt that wasn't entirely yours to feel.
I was so blinded by your lies from that night.
I didn't even realize that I've already forgiven you for the mistakes you made, that caused this fight.
It was never you that broke me.
It was the power of the voices that I still let provoke me.
I heard their screams and I started to cry.
I took my pain out on you and you handed me the alibi.
It was easy to believe that you started the war that I was battling inside of me.
It was never you that started my fight.
You may have helped my demons reach the light-
But you didn't know that the mistakes you were making would result in my demise.
You knew that I was fragile,
but I never told you how delicate my mind had become in the downfall.
I needed you by my side.
But who was I to tell you that you had to put your own pain on hold to focus on mine?
You hurt me really fucking bad.
I can't lie about that, in fact-
I gave you a chance and you just threw it right back.
All this time I've been holding on to anger that I thought I still had a reason to feel.
It never occurred to me that I only continued blaming you because I didn't want to believe that what I was going through was real.
I've forgiven you a while ago but I was too afraid to let go of the excuses and face the truth inside.
All this time it's been the trauma I've allowed myself to relive in my mind.
Blaming you was just a distraction for the sickness that I denied.
I'm sorry that I ever led you to believe-
that you were at fault for everything that's wrong with me.
All you did was open the door for me.
It was me that walked inside and couldn't leave.
So this is my apology for all the words that I shouldn't have let you hear.
I'm sorry for pretending that all because of you, we ended up here.
I could've fought harder to stop you from making any further mistakes.
I was too weak to admit to myself that I was gonna die this way.
I didn't see my problem because I was too busy hating you for yours.
I wasn't focused on the damage that I was causing in myself,
My mind was lost enough to believe that there was no other way to help us now.
I started to ignore the voice in my head that told me, I'd never be the same again.
My illusions of who you were quickly becoming,
were far too realistic for me to just do nothing.
If I would've known then that I'd still be fighting off this demon today,
Maybe things would have gone a bit differently.
All I wanted was to feel like you still noticed me.
I didn't understand that you were hurting and it had nothing to do with me!
I was afraid that we were already lost.
I needed control, no matter the cost.
But I was wrong to put the gun in your hands and tell you it was all your fault.
The reality is- you were battling your own demons and you never wanted me to see them.
We both made choices that changed us forever.
I'm sorry for doubting that our love wasn't strong enough to survive this battle together.
All this time I've been blaming you.
I should've been apologizing for everything we didn't have to put each other through.
Now I recognize the pain that came with the scars that my weakness left on you.
We both played in a part in the destruction of what used to be a love we knew.
I'm sorry for blaming you.