Broken

Fragile

I can feel my veins carrying my blood through the depths of my body.
That's about all that's left of me that I can feel entirely.
My organs are working overtime trying not to fail completely.
My body is weak and cold.
My health is in danger.
At least that's what I'm being told.
The doctors say my life is going to come to an end before it's supposed to.
They say I need to seek help immediately and do what I'm told to.
They said 70 pounds is too much weight to lose for a body like mine.
But they don't understand that it's not me who needs this... it's my mind.
I don't want to be sick.
I don't want to suffer like this.
They don't know how hard it is.
They've never had voices in their head.
My reflection constantly tortures my mind.
It's hard to focus when you're being screamed at from inside.
No matter how many ounces I lose,
It will never be enough to silence the voice that I'm now accustomed to.
I recognize how fragile my body has become,
But I'm suffocating inside.
You can't feel sick if you're always numb.
The guilt rips me apart until I can't breathe.
How can I be the only one who still can't see what's happening to me?
My throat is always sore from self induced vomiting.
Every time I pick my body up from the floor, I ask myself "What's wrong with me?"
The hallucinations are rapidly getting worse.
My hands never stop shaking.
My body should hurt.
I can feel that I'm slowly breaking.
I'm emotionally exhausted and I can't take it.
I'm always nauseous and I hate it.
Dehydration takes my strength and I can never seem to fully replace it.
My doctor says I'm too thin.
My eating disorder says I better suck my gut in.
I can't just turn it off.
It's not a switch.
It's like living every single day in hell and I don't know what I did to deserve it.
I didn't choose to be like this.
But now it's got a hold on me and it's not going to let me quit.
I didn't mean to relapse and destroy everything.
I just wanted to be happy and make him see me.
I thought that I was worthless and I made myself believe it.
But once it started working, suddenly I needed it.
If I try to defy it, it eats at my brain.
It tells me I'm hopeless each and every day.
It makes me see things that aren't really there.
I'm never without it.
It even gives me nightmares.
I wake up shaking wiping away tears.
It's more than just a desire to be thin.
An eating disorder is not a decision.
It lives inside of me and it wants me to die.
It's a vicious battle and I can't hide.
If I could just ignore it, then I would win.
But that was never an option
because Anorexia is who I am.