Broken

Tortured

Trying to recall one of the most unforgettable memories

that I will never remember.

I know I heard the footsteps,

But faces blur to embers.

The silent laughter is louder to me now.

Reliving every sequence of the night that I can't forget about.

Why can I remember the distance in the fake hello's?

But not the introduced names belonging to the voices that still echo?

It's so loud while I reminisce,

But it's so damn quiet when I remember that I let myself forget.

And who are you to tell me that I'm brave enough to handle this?

How dare you try to judge my strength without conquering the pain I live.

You could never feel these things and say that you can just forgive.

It's not so easy when you're the one drowning in the guilt of innocence.

And I could never tell a single soul.

Because my memory will never let me truly know.

Images that make no sense,

Spin around repeatedly inside my dizzy head.

It's like trying to piece together separate puzzles,

They lack the ability to fit.

So what am I supposed to do with it?

Move on and just let it go?

I hate the parts that I remember.

Yet, there's still so much that I don't know.

I've tried to be that strong for years,

But closure won't forgive me, without offering my fears.

It's not so easy when the black and white combine together.

That's probably why grey clouds create the saddest weather.

If I could go back to that night again-

If only for a chance to watch this nightmare end,

I can say with complete certainty that I'd rather live without the memory.

The brutal honesty in knowing,

could never bring me any peace.

I think my heart and soul collided on that evening and they didn't tell me. Over the years they must've come together to save what my mind tried healing.

I know the truth deep down in my bones.

And that's probably why I need to leave it alone.

Either way, it's gonna hurt forever- I'm sure.

That's why I keep it all inside and hide it from my voice.

With or without the memories,

I know I'll never understand how to justify the day my heart is finally free.

I'll never get that year back.

I just wanna be at peace.

Every time I'm forced to think about that night,

I crumble from the damage that's still torturing me inside.

How do I say goodbye to this and allow myself to heal?

I guess for now I'll count my blessings and keep that night concealed.

I just pray that time and patience are on my side more than they were on the night that I let go.

There's nothing more painful than being tortured by the memory of what appears to be a ghost.

I just wish I didn't have to relive the pain;

every time I'm tortured by the pieces of the memory I still can't piece together inside of my brain.