Untouchable

Zoe

It was disgustingly early. In fact, it was worse than that. It was HIDEOUSLY early. There had been no time to put on make-up or make myself look in anyway presentable before the car arrived to pick us up. Instead, I had let my hair hang loose - it hung most of the way down my back, and shoved a burgundy beanie on which said "woke up like this". Well. I had.

Jack looked as gorgeous as ever, annoyingly, wearing dark grey trackie bottoms and a plain white t-shirt, coupled with a dark grey beanie. He didn't have time to style his hair but that meant it was left floppy and it made him look even more amazing.

I had placed my vlogging camera in my hand luggage, intending to vlog every single day of Vidcon. However, I didn't feel up to it at this point. I didn't feel right at all. My chest felt really tight and I kept feeling waves of nausea. I prayed it wouldn't build into something worse. Lately, I had managed to keep my anxiety under control, keeping a lid on things in public and managing to calm myself down whenever an attack reared its ugly head. Today though, I already felt different. I still hadn't recovered from the shock of finding out I had reached 3 million subscribers. I mean, 3 MILLION. That was more people watching my videos than the amount of people living in CYPRUS for God's sake!

Alfie's parting words on the phone had stuck in my head also. About Vidcon being even crazier now I had hit that new milestone. I didn't know what was going to happen, and the unknown scared me. Would there be more expected of me? Would I have to do more? Act differently? I felt very uncertain about the whole thing.

"Ok, Zo?" Jack asked as we flew down the M25. "You're being a bit quiet."
"I feel a bit sick," I said, not lying. I DID feel sick.
"I didn't know you got travel sickness?" he said, taking my hand gently.
"I don't," I replied, biting my lip with worry. He knew that I had anxiety, but he had never seen it in full force. He obviously didn't make this connection this time.

Jack's face turned to one of pure panic and his mouth dropped. "You don't think that you're..." He scanned my face, which was just confused. "You're...you know?" He motioned to my stomach. It clicked.
"No you idiot," I said, even managing a small chuckle. His face relaxed instantly and he let out a large exhalation of breath. "Nice to know you'd be so calm and supportive though if I was!" I teased, patting his hand patronisingly. He grinned, the relief evident in his face.
"If not that, then what?" he queried.
"I'm just feeling a bit anxious," I explained, focusing really hard on my breathing.
"Ah right. It's OK babe. There's nothing to worry about," he said, clutching my hand closer and giving it a stroke.
"Mmm," I hummed out. He was sweet and obviously had every intention of helping, but I don't think he really understood the potential magnitude of anxiety. The way it can completely take over a person and turn them into something completely uncontrollable and inconsolable. I hated sounding patronising, but it was true.

As the car pulled into the airport and we retrieved our things from the boot, I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold it together. I felt the all too familiar feeling creep over my body, clenching my lungs and squeezing. Come on Zoe fight it, not now. Don't ruin this for everyone before we've even left the bloody country.