Neon Fire {dl}

Chapter 18

This chapter is EXTREMELY triggering.. If you don't want to read something triggering or you feel like you might be affected PLEASE DONT READ

I need to let this out. Please be careful.

Live on

L x

@shadowlovatic

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~Leah

I didn't go back inside after Demi left. Instead I stayed sitting with my back against the cold wood and watched the sky slowly get brighter as dawn approached. Sitting out here alone made me feel more grounded. More in touch with myself.

As soon as I saw the first shafts of sunlight creeping over the trees I stood up. If I didn't go back inside before the nurses rounds, they would unleash World War 3 and I really didn't need that right now.

I sauntered back up towards the main building, shivering slightly. I hadn't realised how chilly it was until I started walking, my circulation slowly speeding up again. Hugging my arms to my chest I hurried the rest of the way to a back door where hopefully no one would notice my entrance.

I slipped inside and cast my gaze around. The corridor was empty of people. I jogged lightly down to the main stairwell, taking two steps at a time and hastened to mine and Demi's room.

I opened the door and stepped inside, kicking it shut behind me. After a brief thought I locked it. I looked over at Demi's bed, seeing that it was empty. She obviously hadn't come back yet. I sat on the edge of her bed and ran my hand over the blankets. I moved one of the pillows tossed it up to the top of the bed, releasing a blast of her scent from the soft material.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and leaned my elbows on my knees. The events of the night were still circulating my mind. The feelings that she stirred up inside scared me shitless... But excited me at the same time.

I felt like I was the only person she saw when I was with her, her deep brown eyes always sparkled whenever we talked. Her laugh was always loudest whenever I made a joke or did something stupid... Did I have the same effect on her as she did with me?

Listen to yourself, you're pathetic. There's no way in hell someone like her could ever be satisfied with someone.. SomeTHING.. Like you.

I squeezed my eyes shut. It had been days since I last heard that little voice in my head. Running me down, belittling me. Making me feel worthless.

You can't hide from me forever. You created me. You know that I'm right.

"Shut up." I whispered desperately. The familiar buzzing started in my fingertips and my head started to pound. I felt my breathing become heavy as I stood up and paced around the room.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up." I muttered, my voice rising with every word. I needed a fix. I needed one right now. I walked past the mirror but something made me stop.

You've let yourself go haven't you, you fat whore. Look at you. You might as well die, you're that worthless.

"I haven't, I swear.." I trailed off, tears streaming down my cheeks. As I took in my reflection I felt everything come back. The nights where I stayed up all night doing jumping jacks and sit ups, trying to lose that extra pound.

You're lying to yourself. Remember these pants were too big on you once? Now they fit snugly on your fat ass.

Subconsciously, I trailed my hands down to the waistband of my pajama pants. They hugged my figure snugly. Almost too snugly. I was putting on weight. I swallowed painfully as my eyes trailed up my reflection. I rolled up my pajama top and stood sideways. My stomach was still flat but my ribs weren't as prominent as they once were, neither were my hip bones.

You've become the very thing you swore you wouldn't. Fat.

"NO!!" I let out a gut wrenching sob. Before I knew what I was doing I drew my fist back and slammed it full force into the full length mirror mounted on the wall. It shattered immediately, the shards raining down on me as I repeatedly hit it. I heard a knocking at the door and a voice calling out.

"Ma'am are you ok? Is everything alright?"

The doorknob rattled as the owner of the voice tried to open the locked door. I tuned out the thudding as I sobbed hysterically. I tore at the glass, making sure I ripped every last piece off the frame. I felt it slice my fingers but I was so beyond caring I didn't stop. Finally I tore the empty frame off the wall and flung it at the far wall, shattering it completely. I sank to my knees sobbing, not caring that the glass was cutting into my skin on my legs.

You're not done yet. You know what to do.

I raised my head slowly and fixated my stare on a long shard on the ground in front of me. With a shaking hand I reached forward and grabbed it. Blood from the cuts on my hands made the polished shard slippy so I gripped it tighter, ignoring the stinging sensation as it cut into my palm.

The thudding on the door got louder as the person, the male nurse presumably, tried to break the door down using brute force. I brought the shard to my upturned wrist and stopped. I caught sight of my reflection in the glass and felt repulsed.

Do it.

I felt my face twist into a sick grin as I slid the glass over my wrist. I sighed in relief as blood from the new cut oozed down my arm, dripping onto the carpet. The pounding in my head was deafening and since I knew there was no was I was getting a fix, this had to do.

"I can be beautiful again, make me beautiful, make me better." I whispered over and over, not knowing if I was talking to myself or the glass that was slicing my skin open. There were a lot of people outside the door, I could hear their frantic voices. I think one of them was Demi's but I couldn't be sure. My head was swimming and I could feel myself feeling faint.

I switched to the other arm and began picking up speed with every cut, my arm turning into a crimson mess. I was beyond the point of feeling pain. I was numb. I was about to pass out when I heard the door hinges give way and splinter. I dropped the glass, still pleading with the blade as I felt strong arms wrap around me and pull me out of the pile of glass I was sitting in.

I looked up, trying to see who was holding me. My vision was blurry but I could just make out the white uniform of the male nurse. Blurred figures surrounded me, talking over each other and adding to the noise in my head. I tried to shake my head but I was too weak.

I felt a pair of hands grip my shoulders and shake me, shouting incoherent words at me. I tried to make out what they were saying but at this stage I couldn't even open my eyes. I felt so tired. Exhausted.

As I felt myself slowly slip into darkness I heard a heart wrenching scream. Screaming my name.

Darkness.